Reverse Thinking

What your moods tell others about you

Far more than emotions (which, after all, we all share) your moods show you what, and sometimes who, you are to others.

But first we need to understand what a mood is.

• It isn't a feeling.
• It isn't an emotion.
• And it isn't something that just happens to you.

It's based on your attitude to things going on around you.

Your attitude, in turn, is governed by your relationship to people, events, the world - as shown to you by Headmind. It is the atmosphere in which you live. It is the atmosphere you give off to others.

For example, if your relationship to the world is that of Victim, your relationship to the world is likely to be self-pitying or else aggressive (in a negative way). So your mood will either be depressive or hostile.

By contrast, if your relationship to the world is based on the idea that you can do anything you want (within reason) then your mood is likely to be sparkling and aggressive (in a positive way).

Attitudes trigger moods in a variety of ways:

• Suspicious (morose, surly mood)
• Hopeless (depressive mood)
• Self-sufficient (tranquil mood)
• Self-important (impatient mood)
• Manipulative (uncomfortable mood)
• Loving (peaceful, blissful mood)
• Nihilistic (despairing, suicidal mood)

It was said that the Buddha filled most of those who met him with a mood combined of tranquillity, kindness and awe. Similar reports apply to Christ.

Whatever your attitude to the world, to others, or to the things that happen to you, the rest of us can tell the kind of person you are, not only by the way you react to situations but by the vibe we pick up from you. One reason for that is that Bodymind not only tells us about other people through the emotions but also tells people about us through our moods.

If you prefer not to give away so much about yourself I will be telling you in the next post about how you can change both your attitudes and your (negative) moods.

Why you can't just do what you want

This is the follow up to my article on The Dice Man the week before on Anything Goes?

In which I referred to the anti-hero who makes all his decisions by shaking the dice.

Specifically, he comes up with SIX possible outcomes for any given situation. Then he rolls the dice to decide which he shall follow.

For example the situation might be:

A person unknown to you keeps looking at you when you go to the bar. Your six possibilities might be:

1. Hit her.

2. Put Rohypnol in her drink.

3. Ask her if you've met before

4. Ask if she has a squint

5. Ask for sex

6. Talk about things you might have in common

You shake the dice and are obliged to follow that 'choice'.

But here are my objections to the Dice Man's Theory:

1. Stupid people will come up with six dumb choices (like most of those above)
2. Insensitive people might come up with six unimaginative choices (ditto)
3. Emotionally unintelligent people could come up with six abusive choices (ditto)

The idea that shaking the dice can make your decisions for you is also wrong on three important counts:

• Headmind may not have enough experience or imagination to think up some worthwhile choices
• Bodymind may not approve the choices made for you and may react with disgust
• You can't just use the dice to further the illusion of free will. You don't have free will because your body (amongst other things) always forces the 'right choice' on you

The idea of letting the dice rule our lives might free us up from rules, conventions and worries but it won't teach us how to be real human beings, happier, wiser, or even self-actualizers.

Handing control of your life over to dice is the same kind of cop-out as is handing over control to drugs, other people, or fate.

Image by art makes me smile

EMDR

About 20 years ago we discovered that changing your eye-movements while you process a worry, a phobia or a trauma reduces - or eliminates - the problem.

Sometimes this process is called Eye Movement Integration (EMI), or Rapid Eye Technology (RET), or Rapid Eye Movement Technology (REMT), or Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR).

The basic premise is that eye movements signal the brain to process information in different ways.

For example:

Slowing down or holding eye movements still while you process a pleasant memory enables you to become more fully absorbed in it (try it for yourself).

Speeding up the eye movements while holding in mind a worry or a bad memory weakens its impact.

The fact that rapid eye movements appear when we dream shows that they are closely linked to brain cebtres that process information as dreams are partly a digest of that day's experiences. Interestingly, people with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder often report with damage to the Hippocampus - a brain centre closely linked to memory processing.

If you want to erase a trauma or a phobia for yourself you could consult someone with a training in Reverse Therapy (I don't recommend you try it by yourself).

If you want to experiment with milder problems like a worry then just switch on the program at the top and stare at the X in the middle while you hold the worry in mind.

It works for most people.

Anything goes?

In The Dice Man the author/anti-hero, Luke Rhinehart, a fictional psychiatrist, describes how he changes his life by making all his decisions by shaking dice.

So he shakes the dice to decide what to eat, who to date, how to behave at a party, whether to set his patients free, annoy his boss, murder, rape his next door neighbour (ahem) or whether to be Jesus for a day.

The book is also a satire on psychotherapy. Rhinehart teaches his patients how to use the dice to improve their lives and discovers that the result is far more effective than therapy.

That's because the Self/Ego is a prison created by the rules made up by your Internal Control Freak. The dice technique is one way to escape from those rules - and also from the illusion of free will.

People who suffer from the delusion that all their major decisions are made in the Head fail to see that Headmind is really controlled by other peoples' rules and ideas. So 'Free Will' is just another disguise for conformity.

But maybe that's not too different from people who imagine that gambling on the horses or the lottery will lead to a better life.

The Dice Man takes to its logical conclusion the insight that, since 50% of your decisions - on average - will be 'wrong', you might as well make them random ones. That will at least free you from making the 'correct' decisions your Headmind maps out for you. And the decisions you make through the dice will free you up from the trap and take you into experiences you never could have imagined for yourself. That, in turn, frees you up from Personality.

Reading The Dice Man is a liberating (but somewhat scary) experience. But I think I know at least one important way in which its basic premise is wrong. More on that in the next article.

    "If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt it means you never take chances."

     Julia Soul

How to be a victim

Being a victim is hard work. For those of you out there who think that it is important to become one here are my top tips on how to make victimization work for you.

1. Live in the past.

This is the golden rule. Thinking that you have been fucked up by your childhood, or by people who bullied or abused you, is a cast-iron guarantee that you have joined the Victim Club.

2. Hand your power over to others.

This is Rule number 2. You simply have to see other people as more attractive, happier, and more powerful than you are. Be sure to think of these people as part of an unspoken conspiracy to do you down.

3. Whinge - often.

One sure way to draw attention to the fact that you are a victim is to complain a lot. This takes practice, I recommend that you use a dictaphone and develop a script which explains why you can't do things you want to be doing but your childhood, bad luck, current illnesses, the system, the authorities, your enemies, etc., won't let you do them.

4. Keep listening to the bad thoughts.

Like: "I am a stupid/bad/guilty/fucked up/useless failure". Be sure not to do anything else with your day but sit around and listen to Headmind.

5. Do as little as possible.

Good losers don't actually do anything. They just sit around and think about the what-might-have beens.

6. Do resentment

This is really a re-run of rule number 2. Gossip as much as you can about people who appear to be better-off than you are. Be sure to dwell on their weaknesses and problems and try to make out that they owe everything to 'luck'.

7. Do Depression

This is related to tips Number 4 and 5. If you want to be a victim then think as much as you can about your past failures and your future hopelessness. Learn how to be depressed and do it well.

8. Be a pessimist.

Professional victims believe they are doomed. That they are in the power of things that they cannot control. That little they do makes any difference, That the world is in the grip of evil powers. Be sure to think the same way.

9. Blame your frustrations on other people.

When Bodymind notices that you are acting like a victim it creates an emotion called frustration. This signal-state is actually telling you to get a life. But don't do that. Instead, tell anyone who wants to listen that your horrible emotions have been caused by dark forces beyond your control.

10 Do things that demean you.

This a tricky one. You could stay in a dead-end job. Or you could stay in a relationship that's past it's sell-by date (see next item). You could also stay in a rut. Or focus all your attention on other peoples' problems. But the safest tip is to always talk yourself down. Don't stint on this: keep telling people how miserable you are.

11. Keep doing dysfunctional relationships.

Victims never learn from their mistakes. They keep choosing the same stupid partners again and again. Always do internet chats/fantasize about/go to bed with/marry people who are losers just like you. Be sure to end the 'relationship' by telling as many people as you can how awful your ex-partner was and how this has screwed you up even more than before.

12. Believe everything you are told.

Spend as much time as you can reading the newspapers, watching morning television, or Googling items that explain why you are a victim. Then go and see a Therapist.

13. Visit doctors/psychiatrists/psychotherapists/counsellors - often.

See Rule 2 and Rule 12. Because you are a victim you will need constant help. Help in understanding why you are a victim. Prescription drugs to help you through the pain of failure. Counselling so that you can become a proficient whinger and get even more stuck.

14. Do lots of courses that promise a better life - and fail.

You might need some government grants for this. Always choose dodgy courses that suggest that you will cease to be a victim once you have mastered the formula for success. Then, once the course has finished, you can blame your failures on the trainer.

15. Rage on about conspiracy theories.

See Rule 2. Adolf Hitler - who was perhaps the most famous victim in history - believed that the Jews were behind a plot to do him and his friends down. Other groups that control victims include the 'System', the Freemasons, the Templars, Opus Dei, the Illuminati and spaceships from Venus. Follow Adolf's example and use monotony to explain why your life has been spent in a long struggle against dark forces.

16. Ignore your passions.

This could well be Golden rule number 3. It's important to understand that you are not important. You are not here for any particular reason and nor have you been provided with any particular gifts, talents, or Personal Genius. Because you live most of the time in your Head you find it unbelievable that Bodymind is continually using emotions to prompt you towards being a real human being.

The power of your word

I adored my Father, who died in 1991, but didn't really understand him. But one value he taught me stayed with me for life. And that is always to keep your word.

Dad could never stand liars. For him, they were weak, manipulative, unworthy people. With few exceptions he viewed politicians - like most other people in authority - as professional liars who made a living from doing it well.

That was one reason why High Noon, starring Gary Cooper, was his favourite film.

The film is constructed like a Greek Tragedy in which the whole action takes place, as it happens, in 85 minutes running time. Gary Cooper plays the Marshall, who has to fend off 4 killers who are coming in to town for him. He could run away but he will not leave the job he has sworn to do. One by one he is deserted by every worrier in town, even by his (pacifist) wife. In the shootout he narrowly escapes death before finally throwing in his badge.

For my Dad, the Marshall was a hero because he kept his word no matter what. He took full responsibility for his actions, even at the risk of death.

The Toltec Indian writer, Don Miguel Ruiz, has this to say about keeping your word:

"If we become impeccable with our word, any emotional poison will eventually be cleaned from our mind and from our communication in personal relationships...it will also give you immunity from anyone putting a negative spell on you [with words]. You will only receive a negative idea if your mind is fertile ground for that idea. When you become impeccable with your word, your mind is no longer fertile ground for words that come from black magic. Instead, it is fertile ground for the words that come  from love. You can measure the impeccability of your word by your level of self-love."

Personal Genius II

Recently I have been developing a training program with my friend, Simon Linzell, which shows people how to recognise, channel and unleash personal genius.

Just to remind you, your personal genius is the inner daimon that drives you on to become the person you were truly meant to be.

It is expressed through the unique mix of gifts, talents, desires, inner compulsions and perceptions which make up the person you are. No one can duplicate it; it is your unique personal 'brand'. Nor can you control it - rather your genius controls you and you are its servant.

You cannot be a genius, you can only try to express it.

You don't have to be a creative artist to have genius. Your daimon may prefer to express itself in other ways: sport, caring for others, leadership, science, philosophy, civil rights, religion, communion with Nature, or technological invention - to name just a few modes of expression.

Expressing your personal genius is your personal 'mission' in life - the task you were born for. No one can do this but you. And if you fail to do it you will fall into inauthenticity. When your Bodymind (which exists to guide you towards self-fulfilment) notices that you are running away from your mission then it will create emotions like boredom and frustration. And ignoring those may well trigger the state of dis-ease which can damage your health.

Here are some questions that help you identify experiences in which your personal genius is at work:

Your models

Who did you most admire as a child? Who do you most admire now? The people you chose to model are unconsciously displaying the characteristics to which you most aspire. I have written before about this in Your personal myth.

Favourite art

Similarly, the books, paintings, sculptures, music, architecture reflects the moods and taste of your soul.

Your mentors

Who, in your life, has acted as a mentor, drawing out your inner potential. Your daimon is drawn towards like-minded teachers.

Experiences

What are you drawn towards learning and practicing over and over again? For some people its a particular field of study, for others its an art-form like poetry, dance, literature. But the list is endless, from relationships, being with children, nature (including an attraction to specific localities), animals, the way things work, etc.

Peak experiences

I have written about this before on this link. Ecstasy is Bodymind's way of telling you that you are moving towards self-actualization.

Values

What do you care about the most? Love? Justice? Purity? Personal rights? Freedom? Truth? Individuality? The values you are most passionate about tell us a lot about your personal mission.

Authenticity

Where and when have you most been truly yourself (good or 'bad')? This question is concerned with moments when you have taken a risk and spoken up about, or done something, that mattered to you - no matter what others thought.

I will be writing some more about this topic - its going to be a regular feature on this blog from now on so watch out for more.

Image by oddsock

Distress, dis-ease and stress

This is a slightly technical article about stress. The intention is to help people get clarity on stress and how to avoid it.

Readers with long memories may recall that, in my 2007 article Stress Out, I argued that 'stress' as most psychologists think about it, doesn't actually exist. Stress isn't something that happens to you; it's something you create. I quote:

"The first thing to do about stress is get rid of the word 'stress'. Because the moment you use that word you are going to develop the illusion that an unfair, malign world is overloading you with problems that are driving you crazy. Thinking about your problem in this way will usually create passivity, hopelessness, procrastination and cynicism. It will also make you ill."

"Stress' only happens to people who imagine that they are victims. Now most of us get distressed when we come up against the burdens, losses and pain of life. By which I mean that we get upset. But getting upset is normal. The emotions that come up when things don't go our way: fear, sadness, frustration, anger - are signals from Bodymind that we are in trouble and that we need to make decisions, adapt to change, take risks, and get help.

The reason some of us don't handle distress well is because your ego refuses to accept that you need to change. And the basic reason for that is what I call 'dis-ease'.

Dis-ease is a pre-illness state in which your Conscious Mind - or Headmind as we call it in Reverse Therapy - is out of sync with Bodymind. Meaning that it tries to pretend that your emotions aren't there. Or if it does admit that they are there it explains them away. Or comes up with reasons why you shouldn't be letting 'irrational' emotions take you over (for example: 'I'm a grown man/boys don't cry.' or 'I'm a grown woman - I'm not going to let anyone think I can't handle it.').

Now if this state of affairs continues too long then you will not only be stuck with a load of unresolved problems but you are going to be in a jittery, highly charged, anxious, insomniac state. A state that can very quickly turn into out-of-control rage, or depression, or something worse. Like what some people call 'stress-related illness': irritable bowel syndrome, stomach ulcers, heart problems, eczema, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, tension myositis. Simply because your body can only take so much.

I have already written about how to avoid 'stress' in this article: 10 best ways to stay out of stress so I won't repeat what I said there.

But the real solution is to shrink the ego. Reduce the amount of time you spend on hurrying, worrying, control-freakery, or pretending to be someone you are not.

    'Stress is an ignorant state.  It believes that everything is an emergency.'
     Natalie Goldberg

Image by jenniferlstoddart

Effective Thinking V

This is the last in the series on the Effective Thinking Test.

This time we are discussing your answers to questions 22-28.

If you have not already taken the test then please take it here before reading this article.

Questions:

22.It's best to be honest about how I feel, even if it means jeopardising the relationship.

Ineffective Thinking: False

Effective Thinking: True

Headminds addicted to worry fantasize about the disasters that might happen if people are honest. Non-worriers are more concerned with engaging in emotionally real, up-to-the-moment honest, relationships.

23. I tend to give up if I struggle when learning something new.

Ineffective Thinking: True

Effective Thinking: False

Ineffective thinking is based on the over-generalization that I am stupid, helpless and unable to progress. So the moment a set-back occurs Headmind starts repeating the 'it's no use trying' script'. When Headmind is connected to your passion it automatically cues you to get help, experiment with your learning strategies, or leave that problem for now and come back to it later.

24. I rarely worry about what other people think of me

Ineffective Thinking: False

Effective Thinking: True

What other people think of you is unimportant - period (what other people feel about you is another matter). Badly adjusted Headminds waste time on how you look to other people instead of focusing on what you like, what you want and what you want to do next.

25. I am a likable person.

Ineffective Thinking: False

Effective Thinking: True

Of course you are a likable person (unless you have decided you would rather intimidate people and be nasty). Your likability manifests through your natural empathy for, interest in, and practical kindness towards others.

Even if you don't practice doing these things on a regular basis that doesn't make you unlikable. That mistake is based on jealousy - delusional comparisons between yourself and others.

26. If I am under pressure I make it a priority to take more time out for myself every day

I often get clients in Reverse Therapy telling me that focusing on their own need for privacy, love, prayer, recreation, or 'me-time' is somehow selfish. I sometimes reply by quoting the New Testament, Matthew, Chapter 14, which relates what Christ did after feeding the Five Thousand:

And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.

And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.

Enough said? If Christ needed time out from his mission then we can certainly do with some ourselves.

27. To be happy it helps if you are successful, wealthy or attractive

Another Headmind fantasy. Having worked with quite a few famous, successful, wealthy and physically beautiful clients I can tell you that many of them are not happy people. Quite the opposite. Meanwhile, the very few genuinely happy people I have met have very few personal needs, spend a lot of their time looking after other people, and try to live one day at a time. Oh - and they also tend to be self-actualizers.

28. I avoid confronting people as it is just too uncomfortable for me.

Ineffective Thinking: True

Effective Thinking: False

This is another (slightly) trick question. Readers who have read my article on Reverse Assertiveness will recall that confronting people doesn't work. It puts people on the defensive, ensures you don't get heard and may lose you friends (one reason why some Assertiveness trainings are know as courses on 'Loneliness preparation').

But confronting isn't assertiveness and it is ineffective to believe that being honest is the same as being aggressive.

And cowardice isn't effective either because it simply postpones the problem for another day.

Image by Jaci Berkopec

Your personal myth

This is another way of understanding your personal genius and it is also an entertaining personal exercise.

It's partly based on Carl Jung's idea that we each of us - from a very early age - create our own personal myth. We are attracted to stories, situations and people that help us to make sense of who we are and where we are going.

The heroes we identify with can tell us a lot about ourselves:

• Our gifts and strengths
• Our (perceived) weaknesses
• What we feel called upon to achieve
• The challenges we face
• How we deal with adversity
• Our characteristic approach to other people
• What we rebel against
• How we see life

The myth you create goes a long way towards forming your ego, or your self-image. For example: helper, artist, victim, conqueror, martyr, saviour, survivor, loner or leader.

Here's one way to identify your personal myth:

First identify your favourite childhood story. This could be a film, a book, a fairy story or something else.

Now answer these questions about your story:

• What is this story about?
• What is the moral of the story?
• What are the hero's best qualities?
• Weaknesses she has to struggle against?
• What is his dominant passion?
• What is she here to achieve?
• What does she have to overcome?
• What/who are his enemies?
• How does she relate to people?
• What are his most important values?
• How does she see life?
• What might his epitaph be?

For those of you who are interested my own favourite story - from age 7 onwards - was Pinocchio.

Please share any insights you got from doing this with me - john@reverse-therapy.com

Happy hunting!

Image by nyki_m's