Reverse Thinking

Feel the fear and do it anyway

After I wrote about Why Self-Help Books Don't Work I received two emails from readers asking if there were any self-help books I did like.

If we define 'self-help' as advice on how to flirt, make money, be famous, etc then, I don't think any of them work, with one exception - Susan Jeffers' book 'Feel the Fear and do it Anyway'.

The books I really like are what I call 'wisdom books' - ones that help you see your way through life more clearly. Here's a short list:

• The Four Agreements. Don Miguel Ruiz
• Awareness. Anthony de Mello
• Everyday Zen. Charlotte Joko Beck.
• There is Nothing Wrong With You. Cheri Huber.
• The Consolations of Philosophy. Alain de Botton.
• The Happiness Hypothesis. Jonathan Haidt.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway shows you how to beat anxiety. It is based on an astonishingly simple idea that works: whatever your worries are, ignore them. And get on with doing whatever it is you want to do.

Jeffers uses the word 'fear' when I think she should use the word 'worry'. The examples she gives in the book relate to anxiety rather than fear.

Fear is a useful emotion which keeps you away from danger; worry is a useless head-mind state that keeps you trapped in 'what-if' thinking.

No matter, the method still works. I found that out about sixteen years ago when I got into financial trouble and would spend weeks worrying about going bankrupt. Instead of doing something about it I would waste time day-dreaming about the disasters of the future. What was worse, worry stopped me from taking risks and I would say 'no' to projects that could make money later but would take time to mature.

Interestingly, Susan Jeffers describes how worries are passed on by the 'Chatterbox' - the frightening inner voice that belongs to what we call 'Headmind'.

The moment I stopped listening to the Chatterbox, I called the bank and arranged a bigger overdraft and got on with my work. I barely noticed it when, months, later, we returned to solvency - I was too busy getting on with life. But it was a useful lesson learned that I later on applied to Reverse Therapy.

'Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling      of helplessness.' Susan Jeffers

Traumatic facts

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD - is a condition in which a person goes through a terrible experience and is then plagued by memory 'flashbacks', anxiety, panic, depression, sleeplessness and hyper-vigilance. The stereotype case is the Vietnam Vet - John Rambo - played by Sylvester Stallone in First Blood. He is a disturbed loner who as withdrawn from society because he is close to a nervous breakdown. The more he remembers his war-time traumas, the more disturbed he gets.

Here are the most common myths about Trauma:

• You never really get over it
• The trauma is stored in the Unconscious mind
• The problem needs long term therapy
• Treatment involves working through 'irrational' emotions
• The cure arrives when the individual learns to control irrational emotions with the 'rational mind'.

And here are some facts about it:

• It's fairly uncommon - only about 20% of people who go through a traumatic event actually get PTSD.
• Young children almost never get it (although they may develop it later as adults)
• Some types of therapy can make the problem worse rather than better if they focus on reliving the trauma
• It is not caused by out of control emotions
• It is caused by the over-attentive conscious mind
• it is relatively simple to eliminate traumatic memories and the symptoms that come with them

Next up, I will writing about how why PTSD can be easy to treat.

Image by happy-batatinha

Why self-help books don't work

Self-help books are now an $8 billion industry in the United States.

The bad news is that most of them don't work. And some could make you still more unhappy if all you get at the end of your read is another fantasy.

Its those disappointed hopes that explain why self-help advice can be so addictive. We think: one day I will work it all out in my head. Then, but only then, I will be happy, rich, sexy, famous, connected to God...etc. And then we start getting obsessional about time management, goal-sheets, thoughts of the day...

The fault in most self-help books is that they work with theories, ideals and stories rather than with real life. Which, of course, is why they defeat their own purpose - if all you are doing is reading about it. Yet even the techniques can take you down the wrong path.

Visualising success, for example - a common self-help technique - won't work unless you actually have a workable plan of action, that your Bodymind passion supports your goals, and you are whole-heartedly ready to pay the price for pursuing your goal.

Positive thinking - another life-saver for the self-help gurus - merely replaces one thought with another - now why would that make any difference? Telling myself that I am a wonderful person won't work if other people who know me better keep telling me the opposite. If all I want is their good opinion then I am going to have to do something to earn it. Self-delusionary re-programming won't help me in any way with that.

Then there is the concept of 'personal power' - the belief that we can achieve all we want with enough 'will' or 'determination'. Er - no - we also need other people, favorable circumstances, personal sacrifice, and a little bit of luck to succeed. We also need a unique talent - and persuasiveness - which is why nearly all the successful people I have actually met (excluding inherited wealth) have had charm in abundance. While I am on that subject, I recommend that anyone who wants to be happier should work on just being kind to people.

Successful people are good at noticing the difference between opportunities that might work and no-brainers that are a waste of time. They have a feel for these things simply because they are tuned into their emotions and intuitions about people. They don't need books to show them that.

The most harmful impact these books have is to create the conditions for yet more failure. The implicit message is that if you are not happy, rich, healthy, successful, and popular (like the blissful author on the front cover), then you must have something wrong with you. So you end up thinking guilty and giving up. Or else buying another self-help book on the list so that you can finally 'get it right'.

Readers of this blog will know that I am continually telling people that there is nothing wrong with you. That the only thing you need to work on is being more child-like, more simple, more honest, more accepting of who you are, more willing to live in the moment, more authentic, and more daring when it comes to exercising your personal genius. 

Books just get in the way of all that.

Image by tanais

Wrist job

Out here in Catalonia I break my right wrist when I lose my footing on a rock climbing away from the beach.

After 3 days in a plaster-cast I recognise three important truths:

1. We can't function without our wrists.

2. Bodymind is a miracle of divine engineering

3. Kindness is the most important virtue

Let's start with Number 2 first, because we will then be in a better position to appreciate Number 1.

The human wrist, alongside the thumb, is unique: no other species owns anything so complex.

It is constructed of two rings of small bones in the hand connected to the two long arm-bones, the radius and the ulnar. The connections are created through a labyrinth of joints. The wrist is a rotating hinge which enables the palm, fingers and thumb to clutch, wave, press, punch, catch, write, pull, stroke, gesture, pinch, grab and poke. Bodymind controls the whole, partly through the motor cortex in the brain and partly via the median nerve that runs down the arm and through the carpal tunnel into the wrist. The result is a body part that can execute an infinite number of programs stored in the brain, from pinching someone's bottom to playing a Beethoven Piano Sonata.

The most common type of break is a Distal Radius fracture, which is shown in the X-ray near the top of the longer arm bone on the right (the radius). A break like this means I have lost the hinge mechanism that commands all the ordinary functions of the hand. Right now I can't shave, eat, drive, wash, dress, throw, catch, or hold a cup, a phone or a hand-rail. I am semi-helpless.

I am dependent on my wife, my children, my friends and on anybody else who happens to be waiting around while I juggle things in my left hand like a trainee clown, or look dumbly at doors I can no longer open.

Most people are so kind. They jump to help, they carry my bag, they open doors, they smile and they talk to me. I notice, also, that when people barge into me it's not because they are unkind, it's because they don't care - they are preoccupied with their own obsessions.

It could be good for the soul to be handicapped for a little while, when it means you have no choice but to accept other peoples' compassion.

50 things to do about Anxiety

I have written about Anxiety several times before - here, for example. In my business - Reverse Therapy - we can never have too many answers to the question:

'What do I do when I get anxious?'

or

"What should I do about Stress?'

If we use the terms 'stress' and 'anxiety' interchangeably (as I do) then we are talking about the Number One most common mental health problem in the world right now.

Readers of this blog frequently send me links to other websites and, where I think the content is good, I am happy to recommend them to my other readers.

Today's suggestion comes from Kelly Sonora and relates to 50 different ways to stay calm if you are anxious.

Having worked with this problem for exactly 20 years (my first-ever case in therapy, in June 1988, suffered from panic attacks) I can tell you that the advice is all good, although, naturally, not all 50 of these will work for everyone.

50 Quick and Easy Ways to Calm Your Anxiety

Good reading!