Love? Or Lurve?
My friends sometimes accuse me of being a cynic when I call for the word 'love' to be deleted from the dictionary on the grounds that it is too often confused with 'lurve' - a state in which sexual desire combines with the idolization of a person you know very little about in order to produce a fantasy. It can also produce obsession, jealousy and self-pity - which is what most songs about 'love' are actually about.
The delusion takes between 1-5 years to wear off, at which point the lover awakes to discover that a) the sexual thrill has worn off and b) the object of his/her attentions is a real, live human being with many faults, many weaknesses, and many annoying, even disgusting, habits. Statistics show that approximately 50% of couples will break up by the fifth year of the relationship.
The fact is that, if your lover isn't also your best mate, then you don't have enough to sustain a relationship. You may stay together because you have children, or because you are financially co-dependent on each other, or because the alternative is loneliness - but you will end by despising each other.
Before I discovered Reverse Therapy I used to work as a Relationship Counsellor. For the most part, I oversaw therapy sessions acting as a mediator while each partner went out of the way to vent their bitterness, hatred, blame and disappointment on each other. That was when I started to realize just how destructive lurve can be. When the object of their worship ceases to provide worship in return some people can get very nasty.
Love means being kind
Properly speaking 'love' is a verb, not a noun. Love isn't a state you fall into, its something you do. In the Gospels, when Christ says 'Love others as you do yourself' the Greek word Agape is used, which means something like 'respect', 'benevolence', 'charity' or 'kindness'. The Good Samaritan is shown exercising Agape - he picks up the wounded traveller, dresses his wounds, feeds him and cares for him. Why? Because it hurts him when he sees suffering. Kindness is based on empathy, which is a form of emotional intelligence.
Love is hard to live up to. Being kind is so much easier and simpler. And you can exercise it at any time, with any person, in any situation.
- Stopping to talk to beggars on the street (instead of just giving them money)
- Saying 'what's wrong?' when your partner yells at you (instead of shouting back)
- Being childlike and friendly with children (instead of ignoring them)
You don't even have to have feelings for the other person in order to be that way. Being kind is its own reward because you end up feeling better about yourself. Kindness towards others heals them and it heals you. It might even bring you closer to your God.
"This is my religion: There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple. The philosophy is kindness."
In our society those showing kindness are seen as weak or even as dupes. An unwritten rule states that the more competitive and abrasive, the further ahead in life one gets. And within many relationships there is bitter rivalry to determine who is smarter, streetwise, wealthier etc. Journalists returning from Africa, South America, Asia etc may admit to the human warmth they have encountered but instead of reflecting on the 'warmth-deficit' at home are much more excited about analysing the problems of the visited country. The media doesn't like discussing kindness.
Posted by: Alex | October 21, 2008 at 04:17 PM