One of the problems I frequently meet with when I am doing Reverse Therapy is the Headmind belief that being stressed, ill, or unhappy is a sign that there must be something worse that is wrong with my clients.
For example:
- Having panic attacks means I must be having a breakdown
- Having chronic fatigue for so long means I must be incurable
- Being out of a relationship means I am unattractive
or:
- I keep getting depressed - I must have a depressive personality
- I keep taking time off sick - I must be a hypochondriac
- I make so many mistakes at work I must be unemployable
or:
- I am so stressed I might as well give up
- My daughter is badly behaved - it must be because I am a bad parent.
- I am so miserable I might as well end it all
Can you see what all these thoughts have in common? (Think about the answer to this question for a few moments before you read on).
Well, the common theme works something like this:
Headmind takes a specific feeling - like having fatigue, feeling depressed, or getting anxious and then it adds on a catastrophic conclusion of some kind. For example: 'cracking up', 'seriously ill', 'this is the end.'
Or it takes a specific situation, like losing a relationship, making mistakes, or having a delinquent daughter, and adds on a disempowering self-judgment.
Or it looks at a set-back and goes in to 'hopeless' mode - 'give up', 'there's no point', or 'just don't bother trying'.
In any case you end up feeling disempowered, confused, stuck - a failure.
In short, whenever a difficult problem comes up Headmind stops trying to look for solutions and takes the lazy way out by blaming you, as a person, for creating the problem. Because it is not socially acceptable to be anxious, unwell, or to make bad decisions, then Headmind looks for a 'deeper' cause, on the assumption that you, as a personality, must be screwed up, or inadequate, or hopeless.
But this simply intensifies the issue and creates two problems when, before, there was just one. Now you have try and cope with the original problem while also dealing with the guilt, confusion, stuckness, anxiety, depression and despair that comes from judging yourself in this way.
The way out is to accept that we all get ill, stressed, or depressed, or lonely. That, being human, we frequently make mistakes. And we could all be better parents, children, partners, friends or employees. That it is ok (or, if you prefer 'normal' or 'common') to experience setbacks and defeats. And then start looking for some ways to cope, or at some solutions instead of magnifying the problem, worrying about the causes of the problem, or going on a guilt trip.
In my next article on this subject I will be writing some more those solutions and, also, how we can use 'success thinking' instead of 'failure thinking'.
Image by unsoundtransient
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