Are you really ok - or just pretending?

In my previous article but one - How to be a Failure - I wrote that Failures exist only in their heads.

To be sure, it is possible to fail an exam or a driving test, but I am not talking about reversals like that. What I am referring to is the kind of thinking that ends in self-judgments of one sort or another.

In the next article I will write about success thinking instead. But before you start learning more about that there is something you must first do in order to shake off the habit of thinking like a failure. And that is to stop pretending you don't have problems. That is: stop pretending to yourself and stop pretending to others. It's tiring and it doesn't work; at some level your bodymind always knows when you are lying to yourself and the result is a state of suffering.

As I wrote before, Headminds that don't work properly distort the meaning of set-backs and turn them into no-go areas:

• It's not ok to be unhappy
• It's not ok to be scared
• It's not ok to be angry
• It's not ok to be sad
• It's not ok to be alone
• It's not ok to get it wrong
• It's not ok to be ill
• It's not ok to be out of work
• It's not ok to be poor
• It's not ok to be disabled
• It's not ok to be rejected
• It's not ok to be different

If one of these states of affairs exists then your Ego will conclude that you have failed. It will then waste the next few weeks/months/years looking for the 'cause' of the problem in order to find something, or someone, to blame. The consequent worry states will trigger guilt, rage, anxiety or depression. 

Meanwhile, the internal control freak inside your head will be ordering you to keep up the ego facade that there is nothing wrong. One trivial way in which this manifests will be the silly grin and the 'Me! I'm fine!' answer many of us give to people when they ask us how we are when we are are not (although, I have given up asking people that question nowadays - it's unanswerable if you really think about it).

There are a number of other ways in which this process of denial works and here are some examples from my therapy case-book.

• The frightened client who, for months after he was made redundant, pretended to go in to the office every day because he didn't want his family to find out. He spent the rest of the day hiding in the public library.
• The resigned client who put up with years of marital unhappiness with the thought that 'all marriages are the same anyway'.
• The argumentative client who would go off into a rage rather than admit he had made a mistake.
• The dying client who refused to get proper help for his terminal cancer until it was too late because he 'didn't want to make a fuss'.
• The alcoholic client who could not stand his boredom with life and used alcohol to diffuse it.
• The cynical client who blamed other people and 'life' for his unhappiness in work and relationships.
• Then there is my own case, in which I pretended for years that I wasn't deaf so as not be seen as a 'freak'. This caused endless complications in relationships.

Don't be taken in by Headmind's way of turning problems into disasters and stick to the facts instead. Then give yourself permission to have whatever emotion you want. For example:

'The relationship is over and I am alone and I am really, really sad about that. I need to be with people.'

Don't be taken in by the Ego's need to be Superwoman. Be humble and take responsibility for your errors:

'I made a mistake. What can I do about it?'

And accept your limitations:

'I'm out of my depth here. Time to talk to someone.'

Don't be taken in by the Ego's need to be like others. Dare to be different:

'I am deaf/black/dyslexic/fragile/etc. And that's part of who I am.'

Don't be taken in Headmind's tendency to run away from problems:

'I am ill/unemployed/broke and I need to stop pretending I'm not.'

If life truly is bad for you right now then give yourself permission to be unhappy:

'This is one of the worst periods of my life. It's not surprising I am feeling so down.'

And - whatever you do - don't put on that fake smile and tell people you're fine when you really are not!

 

I wish all my readers a genuinely happy year ahead.

 

Comments

[Alex Z]

The Ego facade and the control freak - how many people could lead healthier lives if they became more authentic!

Wishing you a happy and fulfilling new year and thanking for some superb reads in your blog this past year!