Reverse Thinking

Best 15 instant Xmas stress-busters

Another survey - this one mentioned by Colin Brazier in his Sky News Blog - comes up with two facts:

1. Most people, when asked to come up with a word that goes with 'Christmas' don't say 'happy', or 'merry' but 'stressful'.

2. On average the first Christmas Day argument will kick in at 9.57 am.

Each December I write about Xmas stress so I won't repeat myself here. If you want to look at those past articles they are below:

Your Xmas Hell (2008)

Xmas Stress (2007)

5 Worst Xmas Mistakes to Avoid (2006)

If there are four points common to all three articles then they are probably these:

a. Don't fall for the hype about Xmas

b. Don't expect too much

c. Balance what you do for others with what you do for yourself

d. Do at least one thing over the Xmas period which is spiritually uplifting for you.


Meanwhile here are some fast-working Xmas stress-busters (all tried and tested by me).

1. Go for a walk, walking fast for at least ten-minutes.

2. Dance to music you like.

3. Inhale an aromatherapy scent such as lavender, ylang-ylang, orange, peppermint or rose.

4. Eat some chocolate (raises endorphins).

5. Reflexology: gently massage the triangle of skin between your thumb and forefinger with your other thumb and index finger 5 times.

6. Watch something that makes you laugh.

7. Sing to music you love.

8. Talk to someone who makes you laugh.

9. Go the The Lime Room, click on the meditation room of your choice, and chill out.

10. Take an extended bath or a shower.

11. Use a binaural beat CD (you can order one from the column on the left of this blog).

12. Walk around your home in your bare feet.

13. Get intimate with someone who is fond of you.

14. Slow your reactions down for 15 minutes. Talk, walk, do things at half your normal speed.

15. Breath focus. Increase the amount of time between your in-breath and your out-breath, starting at the count of three and increasing up to the count of seven, then back to three again.

Incidentally, I am featured in the December edition of RED magazine offering advice to people on how to have a depression-less Xmas. The article features three women seeking a better time this year around and a panel of experts to contribute their gems.

I wish all my readers a peaceful, heavenly Xmas-tide.

Schopenhauer - a philosophy for grumpy people?

In my last article - Can feeling grumpy be good for you? I mentioned one of my favourite philosophers - Arthur Schopenhauer - who was a grumpy old man already by the age of 19. I first read him at 15 and developed a 'bah humbug' attitude which was delicious and self-indulgent while it lasted although I no longer think it is clever - or even profound - to be pessimistic about life. Even so, I still think that Schopenhauer possessed a genius for philosophy. (He also wrote a lot about sex).

Here are a few gems:

After your death you will be what you were before       your birth.    

Everyone takes the limit of his own field of vision for the limit of the world.

The conscious mind may be regarded as a kind of parasite of the organism, a pensioner, as it were, who dwells within the body.

If you want to know your true opinion of someone, watch the effect produced in you by the sight of a letter/email from that person.

The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom.

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.

Console yourself by remembering that the world doesn't deserve your affection.

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.

There is no absurdity so obvious but that it may be firmly planted in the human head if you only begin to introduce it before the age of five, by constantly repeating it with an air of great solemnity.

The closing years of life are like a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped.

Compassion is the basis of all morality.

Wicked thoughts and worthless efforts gradually set their mark on the face, especially the eyes.

The greatest of mistakes is to sacrifice health for any other kind of reward.

There is no doubt that life is given us, not to be enjoyed, but to be overcome.

In my next article I will write about the advantages - and disadvantages - of pessimism for life.

Can feeling grumpy be good for you?

I receive a mischievous communication from my very good friend Mark McGuinness who wants me to comment on a research article he has looked into, written by some 'Australian psychologists', which claims that being in a 'bad mood' can be 'good' for you.

Now, some of my best experiences in life have been prompted by my 'bad' moods. With the aid of those I have got rid of countless annoying relationships, irritating jobs and pointless activities. So my first thought was that - yet again - a bunch of overpaid academics were being subsidised to announce discoveries most of us learned in primary school. And that Mark had forgotten our many rambling midnight conversations about emotions and the meaning of life.

Yet I realised immediately that these gorgeous, Bondi-beach seeking academics have made yet another category mistake: While bad moods can, indeed, be 'good', those are not the same as 'bad emotions'.

To remind you: there is no such thing as a bad emotion. Emotions are an expression of Bodymind
intelligence. A mood is different. It is a  Headmind attitude. It expresses a relationship between our attitudes and the world as we find it. You can read more about moods here.

A grumpy mood, for me, is a relationship based on suspicion. It means that I no longer trust that experiences, situations, people, or the Lord God himself are doing me any favours. And that, in turn, is a cue that I need to revise my trusting attitude towards these entities. I need to retreat, stand-off, complain, and have a moan. I may even need to disengage - permanently.

So yes - a grumpy mood can be good for you if it helps you get rid of your intellectual garbage.

The funny thing is that I actually find grumpy moods enjoyable. Entraining my suspicion and pessimism on the planet gives me a god-like sense of detachment and playfulness. It also gives me a playground for wit.

Rather like one of my favourite philosophers - Arthur Schopenhauer - who once wrote:

"If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it."

Come to think of it, Schopenhauer deserves an article all to himself, so I will write that next.

Escape from personal misery

This is the follow up article to Go mad with Dr Johnson. If you haven't read that one yet then best to read it here before returning to this page.

The core problem with Johnson was that he was dominated by his ego. I have written quite a bit about the ego before on this blog. The fundamental problem with the ego is that it is based on a sense that we are lacking in something (love, intelligence, security, success, approval, etc). So the ego is always driving us on to prove ourselves in some way - a never-ending search that is exhausting because the ego is never satisfied. The problem is compounded by the delusion that the ego - with its habitual thoughts, demands, duties, and obligations; its isolation and loneliness; its conviction that it alone knows the 'truth' - is the Self. But the ego is not who you are. You are the spirit that lives through Bodymind and is grounded in the now. Your ego was just something you set up on the rebound from other people.

In Johnson's case his ego was dominated by three ideas:

That he was a freak (from childhood he was hideously disfigured by facial scars and most likely he also had Tourette's syndrome). 

That he was an outcast (he was forced to leave Oxford University due to poverty)

That he had to be wiser than everybody else.

The result was that he spent his life secretly loathing himself and using his brilliant mind to dominate other people. But the net result was that he grew more and more lonely, more and more self-judgmental, and more and more depressed.

In Reverse Therapy I work every day with people who are trapped in personal misery. Sometimes that unhappiness is linked to external events: death, separation, illness, redundancy, abuse, conflict, etc. Even so, I try to teach my clients that you can remain positive, self-nurturing, outgoing and self-accepting even while you are dealing with adversity. Not to mention grounded, working with emotional intelligence, and striving to live in the now.

In my view the troubles of life are not the cause of personal misery. That is shown by the fact that many people have come through terrible circumstances but remain cheerful, optimistic and an inspiration to others (think Nelson Mandela).

The main cause of personal suffering is that we are trapped in the ego. If this is so then the solution is to escape from the ego. I have already described how people can achieve this in a previous article - Downsizing the ego but I will add a few more points to what I wrote there:

Try to see life as a game which you play for the pleasure of doing so, not to prove anything to others.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh at yourself, often.

Whatever your bananas are - do the opposite.

Don't dwell on past experiences.

Keep your focus on other people, not on yourself.

Experiment with new personalities. Don't settle for one way of being.

Always tell the truth. Only the ego lies.

Nurture your Personal Genius - it is the antidote for small-mindedness.

Practice Awareness - always.

Go mad with Dr Johnson

Driving past his home town two weeks ago I was reminded of the article I was going to write on Dr Johnson (who was born in Lichfield 300 years ago last month) but put off. I venerate the man but didn't know what to say about him, without sounding disrespectful.

The reason I didn't want to write about Johnson was that he was an extremely morbid person. In fact he stands for everything I object to about Western culture: academic thinking and writing, traditional religion, Intellectualism, dogmatism, guilt, self-judgment, worries about the after-life, and despair. Johnson was probably insane and yet he is a figure whom the English consider a model of practical common-sense, wisdom and sanity!

My purpose here is to show up why Johnson was insane and what lessons we should draw from that.

Here are samples of his madness:

1. His appearance frightened people. He was seriously overweight with bad facial scars, talked to himself and  was constantly twitching, muttering and suddenly shouting out loud. It's probable that he had Tourette's syndrome.

2. He was an obssessive-compulsive. Meaning he walked along the street counting the paving stones. If he made a mistake he had to go back and do it all over again. On one occasion he was seen bouncing over a door-step like a kangaroo so as not to have to step over it the wrong way.

3. He had at least two nervous breakdowns - one at age 21 and the other at age 55. During the 2nd breakdown he was discovered crawling along the floor after a priest begging to be given back his sanity.

4. He was plagued by major depressions throughout his life, in which he imagined that he was damned and cast into hell-fire for all eternity.

5. His marriage - to a widow twenty years older than himself - was a failure. Partly due to the fact that he spent all her money and he was himself almost unemployable, earning very little money, she became an alcoholic and they lived apart.  After her death he again became morbidly depressed.

6. He was terrified of being left alone. It was for that reason he would talk until dawn with people he had just met rather than go home. That's one reason why the conversations recorded by Boswell take place at night.

7. His mood swings were extreme to say the least. In the course of one evening he might get melancholy and withdrawn, then jolly, then, verbally assault a fellow guest, then obsessional, then depressed.

8. He was plagued by fantasies of sado-masochism, in which he was soundly whipped by one of his closest female friends. This friend (Esther Thrale) was asked to keep handcuffs, chains and other 'restraints' in her home in a locked drawer should he require  'chastisement'.

For the sake of balance it could be mentioned that he wrote some good poems, a few good essays, a half-good novel and some witty biographies of the English poets. He was also that first to produce a dictionary of English and was himself the subject of the greatest biography in the English language (written by James Boswell - a friend who was both a sex addict and an alcoholic whom Johnson -characteristically - both loved and despised).

In the next article I will explain what drove Johnson insane and what people with similar problems can do about it,

Think like Charlie Chaplin

I have never been that thrilled by Charlie Chaplin. I get that lots of people admire his films but the little tramp and his amazing adventures leave me cold.

But here are some absolutely brilliant thoughts on life written by the man himself, apparently for his 70th birthday celebrations in 1959.

Thanks to Stephan Langguth for sending this to me.

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY“.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody as I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT“.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY“.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment, so I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE“.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness; things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY“.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health - food, people, things, situations, and everything the drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF“.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I have been wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY“.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILMENT“.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART“.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS “LIFE“!

Image by mansionwb

The 30 most important life lessons

These lessons are borrowed from Regina Brett, who wrote them when she turned 50 three years ago. Thanks to Lindsey Jones for sending this to me.

1. Life isn't fair but it's still good.

2. When in doubt just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

6. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

7. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

8. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

9. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

10. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

11. Don't take for granted what you have got - or you may lose it.

12. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

13. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

14. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

15. Whatever does not kill you makes you stronger.

16. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

17. When someone breaks your heart quickly bestow your love on others.

18. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.

19. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

20. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

21. Forgive everyone.

22. What other people think of you is none of your business.

23. Time heals almost everything.

24. However good or bad your situation is, it will change.

25. Don't take yourself seriously. No one else does.

26. Don't audit your life. Make the most of it now.

27. All that truly matters in the end is love.

28. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting to happen.

29. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

30. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

 

Your balancing act

One feature I frequently observe about my clients - those who have non-specific illnesses that is - is that they have unbalanced lifestyles.

Obvious catches are that they focus too much on making money. Or being 'perfect' parents. Or that they spend too much time chasing other people. Or too much time alone.

Narrow-mindedness is a Headmind trap typically linked to the human weakness for what I have  elsewhere called 'bananas'.

Another way to put this is that when we become obsessional we become joyless. We also reduce the emotional rewards available to us - which leads, eventually, to reduced endorphin release in the brain.

A narrowing of interests leads to boredom, routine, repetition and a loss of creativity. Which, in turn, triggers a reduction in brain neuroplasticity.

Finally, an unbalanced lifestyle reduces our access to personal genius: We become less than we could be - and far more predictable.

You can do a rough check on how balanced your life is right now by having a look at the wheel of life diagram at the top. Going round each of the sectors, give yourself a score out of 10 for how much interest you take in that area of life (you have to be really honest here).

For a well-balanced life you need to be scoring at least '5' for each item. The higher your scores the higher your self-actualizing potential (provided the score for any one sector is not too far ahead of any of the others).

It will take just 28 seconds to read this and change the way you think

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind.
She hated everyone, except, perhaps, her boyfriend.
Yet he was always there for her. 
She told him:
"If I could only see, I would marry you."

One day, someone donated their eyes to her.
When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything.
Including her boyfriend.
He asked her: "Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?"

The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind.
The sight of his scarred eye-lids shocked her. She hadn't expected that.
The thought of looking at them for the rest of her life was something she didn't want.
She refused to marry him and left him.

Her boyfriend cried but respected her decision.
Days later he wrote a note to her wishng her well:
"And take good care of your new eyes, my dear, for before they were yours,
They were mine."

This is how Headmind often works when our situation improves.
It is ungrateful, forgetful, complaining, and blind.
Only a very few of us remember what life was like before
Only a very few of us remember those who stood by us in adversity
Only a very few of us give thanks for what we have.

Life Is a Gift.

Before you complain about your food - think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about the place where you live - think of the homeless.

Before you complain about your partner - think of someone who lives alone.

Before you complain about your parents - think of the children who are in care.

Before you complain about traffic jams - think of those who have to walk.

Before you complain about your job - think of the unemployed, and those who cannot work.

And if life is too much for you - think of those who need you and love you.