Reverse Thinking

Best 15 instant Xmas stress-busters

Another survey - this one mentioned by Colin Brazier in his Sky News Blog - comes up with two facts:

1. Most people, when asked to come up with a word that goes with 'Christmas' don't say 'happy', or 'merry' but 'stressful'.

2. On average the first Christmas Day argument will kick in at 9.57 am.

Each December I write about Xmas stress so I won't repeat myself here. If you want to look at those past articles they are below:

Your Xmas Hell (2008)

Xmas Stress (2007)

5 Worst Xmas Mistakes to Avoid (2006)

If there are four points common to all three articles then they are probably these:

a. Don't fall for the hype about Xmas

b. Don't expect too much

c. Balance what you do for others with what you do for yourself

d. Do at least one thing over the Xmas period which is spiritually uplifting for you.


Meanwhile here are some fast-working Xmas stress-busters (all tried and tested by me).

1. Go for a walk, walking fast for at least ten-minutes.

2. Dance to music you like.

3. Inhale an aromatherapy scent such as lavender, ylang-ylang, orange, peppermint or rose.

4. Eat some chocolate (raises endorphins).

5. Reflexology: gently massage the triangle of skin between your thumb and forefinger with your other thumb and index finger 5 times.

6. Watch something that makes you laugh.

7. Sing to music you love.

8. Talk to someone who makes you laugh.

9. Go the The Lime Room, click on the meditation room of your choice, and chill out.

10. Take an extended bath or a shower.

11. Use a binaural beat CD (you can order one from the column on the left of this blog).

12. Walk around your home in your bare feet.

13. Get intimate with someone who is fond of you.

14. Slow your reactions down for 15 minutes. Talk, walk, do things at half your normal speed.

15. Breath focus. Increase the amount of time between your in-breath and your out-breath, starting at the count of three and increasing up to the count of seven, then back to three again.

Incidentally, I am featured in the December edition of RED magazine offering advice to people on how to have a depression-less Xmas. The article features three women seeking a better time this year around and a panel of experts to contribute their gems.

I wish all my readers a peaceful, heavenly Xmas-tide.

Can feeling grumpy be good for you?

I receive a mischievous communication from my very good friend Mark McGuinness who wants me to comment on a research article he has looked into, written by some 'Australian psychologists', which claims that being in a 'bad mood' can be 'good' for you.

Now, some of my best experiences in life have been prompted by my 'bad' moods. With the aid of those I have got rid of countless annoying relationships, irritating jobs and pointless activities. So my first thought was that - yet again - a bunch of overpaid academics were being subsidised to announce discoveries most of us learned in primary school. And that Mark had forgotten our many rambling midnight conversations about emotions and the meaning of life.

Yet I realised immediately that these gorgeous, Bondi-beach seeking academics have made yet another category mistake: While bad moods can, indeed, be 'good', those are not the same as 'bad emotions'.

To remind you: there is no such thing as a bad emotion. Emotions are an expression of Bodymind
intelligence. A mood is different. It is a  Headmind attitude. It expresses a relationship between our attitudes and the world as we find it. You can read more about moods here.

A grumpy mood, for me, is a relationship based on suspicion. It means that I no longer trust that experiences, situations, people, or the Lord God himself are doing me any favours. And that, in turn, is a cue that I need to revise my trusting attitude towards these entities. I need to retreat, stand-off, complain, and have a moan. I may even need to disengage - permanently.

So yes - a grumpy mood can be good for you if it helps you get rid of your intellectual garbage.

The funny thing is that I actually find grumpy moods enjoyable. Entraining my suspicion and pessimism on the planet gives me a god-like sense of detachment and playfulness. It also gives me a playground for wit.

Rather like one of my favourite philosophers - Arthur Schopenhauer - who once wrote:

"If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it."

Come to think of it, Schopenhauer deserves an article all to himself, so I will write that next.

Escape from personal misery

This is the follow up article to Go mad with Dr Johnson. If you haven't read that one yet then best to read it here before returning to this page.

The core problem with Johnson was that he was dominated by his ego. I have written quite a bit about the ego before on this blog. The fundamental problem with the ego is that it is based on a sense that we are lacking in something (love, intelligence, security, success, approval, etc). So the ego is always driving us on to prove ourselves in some way - a never-ending search that is exhausting because the ego is never satisfied. The problem is compounded by the delusion that the ego - with its habitual thoughts, demands, duties, and obligations; its isolation and loneliness; its conviction that it alone knows the 'truth' - is the Self. But the ego is not who you are. You are the spirit that lives through Bodymind and is grounded in the now. Your ego was just something you set up on the rebound from other people.

In Johnson's case his ego was dominated by three ideas:

That he was a freak (from childhood he was hideously disfigured by facial scars and most likely he also had Tourette's syndrome). 

That he was an outcast (he was forced to leave Oxford University due to poverty)

That he had to be wiser than everybody else.

The result was that he spent his life secretly loathing himself and using his brilliant mind to dominate other people. But the net result was that he grew more and more lonely, more and more self-judgmental, and more and more depressed.

In Reverse Therapy I work every day with people who are trapped in personal misery. Sometimes that unhappiness is linked to external events: death, separation, illness, redundancy, abuse, conflict, etc. Even so, I try to teach my clients that you can remain positive, self-nurturing, outgoing and self-accepting even while you are dealing with adversity. Not to mention grounded, working with emotional intelligence, and striving to live in the now.

In my view the troubles of life are not the cause of personal misery. That is shown by the fact that many people have come through terrible circumstances but remain cheerful, optimistic and an inspiration to others (think Nelson Mandela).

The main cause of personal suffering is that we are trapped in the ego. If this is so then the solution is to escape from the ego. I have already described how people can achieve this in a previous article - Downsizing the ego but I will add a few more points to what I wrote there:

Try to see life as a game which you play for the pleasure of doing so, not to prove anything to others.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh at yourself, often.

Whatever your bananas are - do the opposite.

Don't dwell on past experiences.

Keep your focus on other people, not on yourself.

Experiment with new personalities. Don't settle for one way of being.

Always tell the truth. Only the ego lies.

Nurture your Personal Genius - it is the antidote for small-mindedness.

Practice Awareness - always.

Why your most useful ideas are delusions

One very strange result of studies on depressed people is that they are a lot more realistic than the norm. Their judgments about what they can and can't do, their predictions about events, and their guesses about what others really think about them, are a lot more accurate than non-depressed people. Even the bets they make are more likely to make a (small) profit. You can read more about this discovery here.

Studies on non-depressed people show that most of us are 'unrealistic optimists' who believe we have far more control over events, and more talents and skills than is actually the case. We also tend to be irrational in our judgments about the future. For example, most of us tend to over-estimate our scores on ability tests, exaggerate the differences between our own abilities and those of people in the same job, and have a rosier view of the future than experience warrants.

The fact is that pessimism is usually more realistic than optimism. And this got me thinking about the difference between the two types of thinking.

Here are two lists that I have compiled more or less off the top of my head.

True ideas that will depress you:

1. On average, 50% of your decisions will be wrong
2. You are a lot less talented than you imagine
3. Many of your achievements owe something to luck
4. Any success you have will be temporary at best
5. Most people you have met are indifferent to you
6. You have little influence over your own life

Unrealistic ideas that will make you happy:

1. You can make a difference
2. You are special
3. You are likeable to most people
4. You have free will
5. You make your own luck
6. You are continually growing and learning how to be more successful

The bottom line is this: Headmind thoughts, beliefs and judgments - no matter how accurate they are - make NO difference to your quality of life.

Take another look at the two lists and ask yourself what the main difference is.

Here is what I notice: The first list is reactive (based on past experience), impersonal and leads nowhere. Depressed people may have many true thoughts but they avoid work, stay away from people and spend a lot of time being miserable.

The second list is personal, affirmative emotive, and leads to action - community work, self-development, communication, decision-making, risk-taking and experimentation. Following those activities will keep you engaged in life, and experiencing the full range of emotions from joy to despair - rather than just observing it. No matter whether the outcomes are unrealistic or not, the journey is everything.

There is a poem by Cavafy that illustrates this point, If Odysseus had thought about the journey home to Ithaka, and all the problems he was likely to encounter, he would never have started. Neither would he have been reunited with those he loved. And he would have missed out on some rich experiences. As we say, in Reverse Therapy, 'Don't think about it - just do it!'

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
 
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.
 
And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

           Cavafy