Reverse Thinking

Taking ownership

Yesterday I wrote about how giving up responsibility turns us into victims.

Today I want to write about how you can become the person you were meant to be. The person ONLY YOU can be.

The first step is to take ownership for who you are and what you do. That means accepting that the life you are living right now (or not living) was 'chosen' by you. Not your parents, not society, not God - You. The word 'chosen' is in quotes because, for most of us, inauthentic life-styles were something we fell into. For example, I once fell into a yuppie lifestyle. For nine years I worked in banking and worried about wealth, status, driving the right car, wearing the right clothes and knowing the right people. I 'fell' into it because it seemed the 'right', 'normal' thing to do. And also because I was lazy - living by the truth about myself was not only scary but looked like  hard work.

If your life is boring that's because boredom is your default option. Meaning that, at some level, a boring life is seen as safer than an authentic one. It is also your comfort zone - maintained through apathy, inertia and fear. The same applies to lives that are empty, conformist, shallow, or victimizing.

When you have accepted that you have a choice the second step is to take back your Personal Power.

Then you learn how to be a Self-actualizer

Finally you need to find a way to Release Your Personal Genius.

If Vincent Van Gogh can do it then so can you.

Here was a man who wasted the first few years of his life trying to be a respectable bourgeois to please his father (a Minister of the Church). First he tried to be an art dealer, then a teacher, then a pastor. He failed at them all.

Finally, he took his brother's advice and became a painter.

Take a look at the picture below. Do you see what I see?

I see an intense, sharp, almost mystical, encounter with the irises. They are ablaze with color and express the mystery of being. We instantly recognize it as a Van Gogh. No other painter would have used that combination of colors or that style of drawing. Van Gogh's style is completely his own because it expresses his universe.

"If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."

"One must work and dare if one really wants to live."

"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?"

"As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the
inmost strength of the heart is developed."

Vincent Van Gogh 1853-1890

Image of Van Gogh Self-Portrait By Mike Licht

Image of Van Gogh's Irises by *clairity*

How to be a victim

This is the last in the series based on The Effective Thinking Skills Test.

This article discusses your answers to questions 3, 7, 11, 18 and 27.

Those questions tested you for your ability to take responsibility for what happens to you - and to take ownership for your misfortunes too. And for your readiness to build the life you really want.

Negative thoughts that drain your personal power

People who see themselves as victims have thoughts like these ones:

• 'I am unlucky.'
• 'If only I were sexy, talented, rich, successful...etc.'
• 'I can't help it.'
• 'I am useless, stupid, pathetic...a complete failure.'
• 'Other people get the breaks but me - never!'
• 'I don't know. You decide.'
• 'First that happens and now this! I just can't stand it anymore!'
• 'I can't do that! X wouldn't like it!'
• 'When I win the lottery...'
• 'Yes...but...' (usually repeated as a knee-jerk reaction to helpful suggestions made by others).

Ineffective thinking leads to stress-related illness

People who think like this are many times more likely to get stressed, depressed, addicted or anxious. They are also more likely to get non-specific illnesses like Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Colitis, Stomach Ulcer or a Functional Pain condition like Fibromyalgia.

And when that happens they generally end up in front of Doctors and Psychologists who give them some jargon (e.g. 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome'), pills to take, and lengthy psychotherapy which assumes that their parents must have fucked them up. Not all Doctors, Psychologists and Therapists work like that but, I am afraid, the majority do. And that just encourages dependency. And more entrapment. And more illness.

The Santa Claus Syndrome

People who have given their personal power away spend their lives waiting for Santa Claus to come and make everything better. Or else it is Mr. Right, God, the Government, the Revolution, the Lottery Announcer, The Wizard of Oz. As life passes them by they wonder about the past and 'what might have been', fantasize about that paradise island, and wait for someone else to come along and wave a magic wand.

The first step to freedom

The first step towards self-empowerment lies in your accepting certain propositions about yourself (note that I avoid calling them 'truths' - they are merely useful assumptions).

1. The person I am today is not bound by things have happened to me in the past

2. No one else but me can change who I am and what I do

3. I have gifts, talents, goals - and people that I care about - which await my attention

4. I make my own luck

5. Other peoples' good fortune, success - and happiness - encourages me to do more for myself and the people I care about.

6. Being unwell or unhappy are signs that I need to look harder at my real needs.

7. Other people can perhaps help and support me but only I can solve my problems.

8. Although I can't control what happens to me I can influence what happens next

9. I don't need money, good looks or status in order to be happy

10. The first, small, step starts today.

Tomorrow I am going to write more about how we can break out of conformity, deadness, illness, boredom, and passive suffering. And power up towards being the person we were meant to be.

I am also going to use Vincent Van Gogh as an example of how that can happen.

If you have a personal story to share about your own journey from unhappiness to self-fulfilment then please email me with it. I would like to put up a selection of great stories right here on this blog!

                               "In dreams begin responsibility."

                                W. B. Yeats.

Image of Van Gogh Self-Portrait by snickclunk

The Wizard of Oz

The Wizard of Oz is a mesmerising movie. When I first watched it at 8 years old I couldn't sleep for a week thinking about The Wicked Witch of the West. It also works as an allegory for older children like you.

If you've forgotten the story there is a good review here by Jessica over on MatchFlick.

The Wizard of Oz could also be one of the most profound movies ever created - as I realised when I was researching it for another blog I am writing on emotions (I will be publishing that tomorrow).

Dorothy meets the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man on the Yellow Brick Road and they join her on a journey of self-discovery.

The Scarecrow decides to go with Dorothy because he thinks the Wizard will give him a brain                                                                                    
The Cowardly Lion comes along because he is fighting for courage.

The Tin Man joins them because he feels the Wizard can find him the heart he so much desires.

When they finally meet the Wizard they learn that he is a fraud, that he can't do magic, and can't give them what they came for. Instead, all they get is opinions. But, in fact, what the Wizard tells them turns out to be more magical and life-changing than any tricks could have been.

All he does is point out some simple truths:

The Scarecrow says he can't think straight but it was he who came up with a plan for rescuing Dorothy from the Witch. He receives a Diploma in Thinkology.

The Cowardly Lion says he doesn't have courage but he single-handedly fought off the Witch and her evil monkeys. He gets a medal for bravery.

The Tim Man says he doesn't have emotions but he has exercised tenderness, kindness and concern towards his friends all the way along the Yellow Brick Road. He is given a heart-shaped watch to wear on his chest.

Here's what I get about this:

1. People who see themselves as failures are often confused by words. The Lion thinks he is a coward and doesn't notice his bravery in action because he is looking for an abstraction. That's rather like people who say they have never found 'Happiness' and fail to notice the small, daily, encounters  that bring them pleasure. Or people who believe they are 'stupid' - but don't notice their skills in solving practical problems, making friends, or helping their children. Their false belief is created because they are using vague generalities instead of concrete terms based on experience.

2. We need feedback, validation and encouragement from others so that we can identify our achievements (I have found that this is one of the most important things to do when you are bringing up children).

3. We don't acquire wisdom, courage or love - or qualities like confidence, optimism and joy - by waiting around for God to give them to us. We get them through trial and error - and by repeatedly putting ourselves through situations that force us to develop those particular skills.

"And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."

            The Wizard of Oz to the Tin Man

     

 

Reclaiming your personal power

In my last blog I wrote about the Effective Thinking Test. Focusing specifically on the questions which tested you for your ability to exercise your Personal Power.

If you could do with some more oomph than you have now then here are some ideas on how to to about getting it.

Stop procrastinating

Work on developing your personal power starts today. That's right - today. Even if you are reading this late at night do ONE thing I am asking you to do before you go to bed. Then follow that up by doing one new action every day. Don't let up - ever.   

Distinguish between situations and experiences you can't change and the behaviours that you can

You can't change other people, the rules of the system, or bad things that have happened to you in the past. You may have very limited influence over your partner, your family, your job or your college. So don't waste time thinking about it. Instead focus on changing the things you do.

Don't waste time trying to change the way you think

As I have before written, there is very little evidence that Cognitive Therapy works. Changing your beliefs makes no difference to what you do. It is effort, action and persistence that makes a difference. Oh - and affirmations don't work either. Telling yourself ten times a day that you are a wonderful person when there is little real evidence for that is a waste of time.

Start with taking the smaller risks first and then work up

If you have spent a long time denying, or giving away your personal power to others, your confidence may be low. Increase it by taking on the small risks initially. For example, practice speaking up to people close to you first, before taking on your real enemies. Or rewrite your CV and start looking for that new position now.

Break some habits

This is one of the easier ones to do and it is amazingly easy to free up your energy by breaking up trivial habits. That could include changing the way you dress, giving up smoking (yes - that IS easy to do!), or going back to the gym.

Develop your passion and build mastery

You are a person of unique gifts, talents, insight and creativity. It doesn't matter at all whether you are another Sherlock Holmes, a Saint, a people-person, or someone who has a fascination with a particular hobby. You have work to do that no one else can do. Get going on it now.