Reverse Thinking

How not to be a slave

This is the fourth, and final article, on how to become the person you always were. Or, to use another terminology, to exercise your Personal Genius.

The first article in the series was Why it's ok to be a bit weird, the second was How to be strange and the third was How to be unique.

This one is about how to get free of personal slavery. For, so long as you are a slave to opinions, to convention, to other people, to your ego, or to routine, then you cannot really be you.

For some free spirits slavery to convention is the worst. Which means doing what your parents and teachers always told you to do; or following along the mores of what the 'right' people do - the people you went to school with, or the people in your church, your company, your club, your neighbourhood and so forth. So that you end up speaking with the same accent, dressing the same way, behaving the same way, and, what is most despicable - judging, excluding or persecuting people who don't follow that same 'right' way of life. 

For other fans of enlightenment slavery to opinion is the worst. That means thinking the same way as the majority. Sharing the same newspapers, the same TV programs, the same politics, the same religion and the same prejudices. And although I don't read newspapers, rarely watch TV, don't vote and don't subscribe to any single religion, I certainly agree that Headmind slavery can be a problem. In this respect I remind my readers that dumb thinking is one sure path to unhappiness and illness, as well as slavery.

Sceptics throughout history have argued that slavery to gurus is pretty bad too. But since I have also written about that subject in a prior blog article I won't go over that ground again here.

Likewise I have also written elsewhere about slavery to personal 'bananas', the ego, and personality. 

Now I agree that if you really want to be someone worth paying attention to then you are going to have to ruthlessly discard conventions, ideas and obsessions you have always taken for granted. You are also going to have to get out of your comfort zone.  Although that is hard work (the work of a life-time, in fact) the rewards - in terms of personal fulfilment - are unspeakable.

But, for me, the worst form of slavery is the one most of us take for granted. And that is slavery to routine: doing the same things, in the same way, at the same time, in the same place, with the same people, every day. Right down to the way you dress yourself, eat your food, drive your car, do the shopping, surf the internet, walk the dog, take a nap, smoke cigarettes, have a drink and so on and on and on. So that life becomes a kind of mechanical, living death. So that you go to sleep and stay there. So that life just passes you by without you ever really exercising Awareness.

The reason this is the worst kind of slavery is that, in it, Bodymind dies slowly. And when that happens the brain loses neuroplasticity. Which means that the cells in the brain (as well as those 2 trillion cells in the body that communicate to it) either die off or become rigid. Which, in turn, means that you become a zombie incapable of changing, evolving, or learning anything new.

For me, slavery to habit is the basis for all the other kinds of slavery mentioned above. Simply because it keeps you asleep. Avoiding premature death is hard work but it is simple too. All you have to do is break one habit every day. 

 

Most people are other people.  Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. Oscar Wilde.

 

 

How to be strange

I once read a statistic - and I can't remember the exact figures that were quoted to me - that the odds are several trillion-to-one that someone could be born with the same genetic code as yours. Which, effectively, means that you are absolutely unique. There will never be another person with your temperament, character, experiences and personal gifts until God goes to sleep for good. 

However humdrum or unhappy your life might be at the moment you are a special person. You have unique experiences and perceptions that no one else will ever have. And it doesn't matter whether you have a humdrum life, or whether you suffer from the delusion that you are a failure. Nor does it matter if other people fail to appreciate just how different you really are. Just get on with the task of becoming the person you were always meant to be. Or, as I advised in my last article - cultivate your weirdness.

One way to do that is to start following what your personal genius wants you to do. Another is to break free of your personality. But there are other ways, and I shall write about each of them:

• Be playful with the truth.
• Become an expert at least one thing.
• Break away from slavery.

 Be playful with the truth

I don't mean play with the truth (meaning: tell lies). I mean: telling the truth so straightforwardly that you make people laugh. Even telling the raw truth, just as you see it, is often amusing, as well as fascinating. As a rule, saying shocking things about yourself works best, but you can do the same for life, god, other people, or about anything else you like. As Bernard Shaw once said, telling the raw truth will be taken by most people as an outrageously witty thing to do.

Some examples:

1. Abraham Lincoln was once heckled at a rally and accused of being 'two-faced'. Lincoln (who was famously ugly) replied: 'If I had two faces do you think I would be wearing this one?'

2. Oscar Wilde was once listening to a rather vain artist who was complaining that the critics never wrote about him and that there must be 'a conspiracy of silence' against him. 'What should I do, Oscar?' he asked. 'Join it' said Wilde. 

3. I once met a woman at a party who told me that her husband was so depressed that he had given up his job and spent most of the day in bed. I also learnt that she had gone back to work to pay all the bills while at the same time looking after their four children, running the home, and dealing with his moods. When I asked: 'Don't you get depressed too?' She replied, satirically: 'Me? Oh I don't have time to get depressed."

Einstein is a pretty good example of how an 'ordinary' person came to seem more and more interesting to others. Although it took him a long time to get there. He was a failure at school and dropped out when he was 16. One of his teachers even wrote on his school report that he was probably retarded. From thereon he lead a dreamy, secluded, life as a University academic, his theories and himself more or less unknown to most people until he was 41, when he suddenly became famous. Therafter, his eccentricities and sayings became the stuff of legend. Here is one of my favourite stories about him: one that illustrates his personal humility, and his sense of mischief, as well as his playfulness with the truth.

One day, while Einstein was on a speaking tour, his chauffeur, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures waiting to take him home, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Thinking it over, Einstein decided to give it the test and switched places with him. As he suspected would happen, no one knew who he was or what he looked like, and the chauffeur went on to give a flawless lecture on Relativity. Things only went wrong near the end when he was asked a question he couldn't answer. The driver pointed to Einstein, sitting at the back of the hall, and said:

'The answer to that question is so simple even my driver could answer it."

 

 

Why it's ok to be a bit weird

When I was a teenager one of my recurring worries was whether I would ever be normal. In the 1970s being 'normal' seemed to mean the exact opposite of what I was doing at the time: living on my own (and liking it that way), being on the dole, writing poetry, reading philosopy, worrying about the meaning of life, and consuming too many drugs.

Normal people, I was told, were contented with life, unlike me. They were also good at making their minds up early what job they wanted to do and sticking at it until they made lots of money. In fact, being normal, as far as I could tell, meant spending lots of time thinking about money, making it, and then spending lots more time thinking about how to spend it. So all the people I secretly admired were skilled shoppers, and bang-on-the-mark about the right clothes to wear, the best car to buy and the newest restaurants to book.

Back in 1976 when I was having this weird phase which still hasn't come to an end yet, that meant wearing baggy high-waisted trousers, platform shoes, and flowery shirts with big collars worn with a safari-jacket. To go with the moustache, huge side-burns and and big sunglasses that were de rigueur for normals. Which fitted neatly with the Ford Capris parked outside the Lee Ho Fook at the less grubby end of Croydon High Street. 

I could, just about, cope with the fact that I was a drop-out who didn't have any money and not the least idea how to spend it and make myself look normal. But (and I am being quite truthful here) what was more disturbing to my sanity was the fact that all the well-adjusted 20-somethings I knew were getting far more sex than I was, and were planning to get wed to one of their sexual partners, buy a two-bedroomed house, and make some more money. But the thought of having endless sex on demand made normality sound quite attractive. It was only later I discovered that many normals don't, in fact, do good sex.

But weddings were a turn off because weirdos like me aren't very good at settling down to live in the same house, with the same person, doing the same job all the time. And the thought of living in New Malden for the rest of my life sounded like a prison sentence.

So being a bit weird gave me a more interesting life than might otherwise have been the case.

Next up, I will be writing about how you can cultivate the strangeness in you - and become still more interesting than you are now.

Is your Personality based on your Blood Group?

Fans of this Blog will know that I am sceptical about theories of personality. I really don't believe people either have, or need to have, a fixed personality. Nor do I believe that standard personality tests are that accurate. And even if they are accurate at this moment in time they may not be so next year.

You will also know from me that you are better off losing your Ego and your Personality (if you have one) because they limit your possibilities, intensify your bananas, keep you in your comfort zone, and stifle your Personal Genius.

However a Japanese friend of mind asks whether I have heard of the concept of ketsu-eki-gata, in which temperament is said to be influenced by the individual''s blood group. Since there are only 4 groups:  A, O, B and AB it would seem that there are four basic types - as shown in the table below (click on it to enlarge):

  

She goes on to say:

'If this idea has some truth in it then in we have more evidence that Bodymind - working through the blood-group - has an influence on our preferences, our moods, the way we express emotions, our behaviors, our attitude towards other people, and our career choices.'

It could be that she has a point if we consider that blood group types might influence temperament (emotional make-up) rather than personality. But nobody has yet been able to show whether there is a link, and how it works, although theories like this are at least 2500 years old.

She tells me that in Japan and Korea, blood groups are widely used by dating agencies to match people up, and by employers in order to assess whether applicants are 'right' for the job.

Apparently my own blood group - B - has a bad reputation in Korea and Japan as we are widely viewed as mad, bad, and dangerous to know.

A few years ago Dr Peter D'Adamo published a book in which he argued that people could more easily lose weight by following the right diet for their blood type. So Blood Group O should avoid wheat and dairy; Group A should follow a mostly vegetarian diet; Group AB the same as A, but with occasional meat and fish; while Group B should avoid nuts (one of my favorites!) and processed foods like white bread. If this is the case (and this is still a controversial theory) then it suggests that blood groups can influence taste as well as metabolism. So why not temperament?

I ran the description of the 'B' personality past my wife and a few friends and they all agree that it is fairly accurate of me. That doesn't make it true though!

What do you think? Do you - and those close to you - believe that these descriptions fit you?

And - for you readers who know me personally - do you think that Type B is accurate?

I promise to publish all replies - appreciative or sceptical, and flattering or non-flattering!

Reducing your comfort zone

This is the fourth in a series of articles on the Enneagram. To read my previous posts on The Enneagram click here.

Gurdjieff, who first introduced the Enneagram into the West, taught that work on oneself was essential if people were not to fall into ego-sleep. The way into sleep is easy: identification with Headmind, self-satisfaction, habit, routine, an acceptance of 'the way things are', and then a kind of mechanical death in which you grow old very quickly.

Work on oneself entails moving out of your personal comfort zone, developing Personal Genius and moving away from personal slavery: the sum total of routines, attitudes, bananas, worries, habits, addictions and Headmind ideas that  keep you stuck in as a fully paid-up member of the herd.

Gurdjieff believed that friction was necessary for personal growth. By 'friction' he meant interactions with people and situations which challenged your comfort zone, your ego, or your fixed personality. There is a story about Gurdjieff that illustrates this pretty well. During the 1920s he managed a school in Fontainebleau-Avon, near Paris, in which pupils warred against sleep and worked on personal development. But one 'pupil' - a Russian - was widely resented. He did little work, continually moaned about other pupils and was scathing about Gurdjieff himself, whom he described as a 'con-man'. When a deputation went eventually to Gurdjieff to demand his removal from the school; they were surprised to learn that Gurdjieff was actually paying the man to stay there and wind people up - in order to create opportunities for personal growth for the 'real' students. 

The Enneagram describes the nine most common comfort zones for each of the types. When reading them, please bear in mind that, irrespective of  your personal Enneagram number right now, all of us are tempted, or can be tempted, to indulge in these comfort zones, at any time.
 
The One: takes comfort in judging others. Avoids discomfort by finding reasons why s/he is better, or more talented, or cleverer, or more moral than the rest of us (instead of empathizing with their mistakes). The one type is common amongst teachers. 

The Two: takes comfort in fussing over others. Avoids discomfort by lambasting people for being ungrateful, selfish, unappreciative (instead of empathizing with their need for self-protection). The Two type is common amongst care-givers.

The Three: takes comfort in workaholism. Avoids discomfort by criticising others for being lazy, inefficient and disobedient (instead of empathizing with their need for leisure). The Three type is common amongst managers and go-getters.

The Four: takes comfort in exhibitionism. Avoids discomfort by mocking people for being ordinary, 'part of the crowd', or 'conformists' (instead of empathizing with their need for lifestyle balance) - and by ignoring their own mediocrity. The Four type is common amongst adolescents of all ages.

The Five: takes comfort in being in control. Avoids discomfort by avoiding other people, or by silently criticising others for their 'superficiality', 'gross behaviour', or 'lack of understanding' (instead of empathizing with their need to live in the moment). The Five type is common amongst loners.

The Six: takes comfort in acceptance by others. Avoids discomfort through obedience, and by suppressing self-assertion. Criticizes others for being 'selfish', 'deviant', 'team-wreckers'  (instead of empathizing with their need to think for themselves). The Six type is common amongst conformists of all types.

The Seven: takes comfort in pleasure: sex, drugs and rock'n'roll. Avoids discomfort through addictions, and, also, fanatasies about a happier life in the future. The Seven criticizes others for being 'boring', 'dead', or 'lacking in drive' (rather than empathizing with their need for self-preservation). The  Seven is probably the second-most common Enneagram type right now, after the Nine.

The Eight: takes comfort in power, arguments, control, bullying. Avoids discomfort through fighting, conflict, sex and arguments. The Eight is common amongst politicians, industrialists, and therapists. Criticizes others for being 'weak', 'sheep', or 'victims' (instead of empathizing with their love for other people).

The Nine: takes comfort in 'chilling out' and doing nothing. Avoids discomfort by steering clear of honest opinions, confrontation, hard work, stress, or engagement with people with different  opinions. Criticizes others for being 'argumentative', 'trouble-makers', or for 'stirring things up' (instead of empathizing with their need for change. The Nine is the most common Enneagram ego-type. (Note: Homer Simpson is a classic Nine).

Enneagram II

This is the second in a series of articles on the Enneagram and, if you haven't read it yet, it would be a good idea to read the first article here.

Some of you may have taken one of the two Enneagram Personality tests I recommended in that article. If you did then it is important to remind you of the following principle:

Whichever of the Nine Enneagram 'personalities' you think you have (or scored highest for) you should fight as hard as you can not to be that particular way. In short, you should lose that ossified way of being.

For example, until recently I scored high for the Number 8. Here is a description of the Eight by The Enneagram Institute:

Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable.

In order to avoid the fate of becoming fixated on strength (and thereby making myself obsessional about it) I had to let go of the banana about having to 'be in control'. In point of fact I never particularly wanted to be in control of anything until I became a well-known therapist. After that point my Headmind decided that it had something to prove to people who did therapy or training with me, and then the banana about having to be 'strong' started to work on me. Before that particular delusion took over I usually scored high on the Number 5 personality. Here is a description of that one from the same source:

Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation.

I would guess that I was a 'Five' all the way from my teenage years until about 10 years ago, when I learnt to see through that false ego. What drove it was my emerging experience of being typed as 'deaf and therefore 'stupid' and 'inadequate'. That was why I went for one banana about having to be a know-all and another one about having to live in an ivory tower. Neither obsession did me any good.

Here are the fixations that go with each of the nine types.

The One: Has to be in the right. Must never be in the wrong. The Perfectionist.

The Two: Has to look after others. Must never be rejected. The Martyr.

The Three. Has to be a success. Must never be second-best. The Workaholic.

The Four. Has to be admired. Must never be ignored. The Show-off.

The Five. Has to know everything. Must never be caught out. The Loner.

The Six. Has to belong. Must never stand out from the crowd. The Conformist.

The Seven. Has to be happy. Must not be sad. The Addict.

The Eight. Has to be in Control. Must not be weak. The Bully.

The Nine. Has to be inside the Comfort Zone. Must not get stressed. The Slob.

Enneagram

This is the first in the series of articles about the Enneagram.

The Enneagram is a method through which you can understand human personality. There are 9 personality types, which I will describe in later articles.

I have written about Personality - and also about the Ego - before. In the system of Reverse Therapy, your personality/ego is a creation of Headmind, which bears no relation to who you actually are.

A common problem with  Enneagram books is that they try to label people as belonging to a certain 'type'. Nothing could be further from the truth. All that knowing someone's Enneagram type will tell you is how far they have got stuck in Headmind.

You are far more than your personality. Somewhere, deep down, you possess a Personal Genius which holds  the personality you give out to others in contempt, and which seeks to break free of it. Personal Genius, if anything can be, is your real self. But you have no control over it for that was given to you at birth.

Your Enneagram personality, by contrast, is something you need to work on in order to abolish it. Your personality is not you; rather it is your Prison.

The ideal, the goal, is to become ego-less and to cease to possess a personality.

Only then can you become that which you are truly are. Gurdjieff, the originator of the Enneagram taught precisely this.

Before you read the second article in this series you might want to take the Enneagram test and here are two:

Eclectic Energies (This is a free test which is reasonably accurate).

The Riso Hudson test (The Riso-Hudson test is the most thorough test currently available. It costs $10.00).

The key to your personality?

Last night, while I was listening to my all-time favourite track - 'If There Is Something' by Roxy Music, it occurred to me that your favourite music says a lot about the person you are.

Then I recalled something I once found about my Dad - who was a self-taught musician. And that was that he always composed songs on the piano in the key of E flat Minor. Although his songs were up-tempo jazz riffs, the fact that he composed them in a key with six flat notes gave them a manic, yet dirge-like quality.

Now, as it happens, the sequence shown in the movie above (Flashbacks of a Fool) also descends into E Flat. The effect is thrilling while at the same time melancholy beyond belief.

Could it be that the keys in which your favourite songs are written reflects your personality? The resonance at which many of your most frequent moods vibrate? You can find out by checking out the key shown at the start of the musical score of the songs you like. Major keys suggest an upbeat, optimistic personality, while Minor keys suggest the opposite.

If there is anything at all in this idea then it adds weight to the view that personality is stored in Bodymind cellular memories rather than in the Headmind thoughts and ideas you have about yourself. Not least in the way in which certain musical chords can cue your brain to produce characteristic moods and emotions.

What do you feel about this?

      'Without music life would be a mistake.' Nietzsche

Losing your personality

I wrote last Saturday in Reverse Personality about why you don't need a personality. Today's blog is about how to lose it if you still have one.

Image by kevindooley

For the most part, what you and others see as your 'personality' relates largely to the way you present yourself and the feedback you get. So, if I go around without washing the response I get will generally be disgust. In that way I will become 'a disgusting person' although I can easily change that by using some hygiene.

The way you project yourself on to others is also related to your confidence in your own abilities. If you regularly practice speaking to strangers you will gain confidence in your conversational skills. You will therefore be less likely to be labelled as having a 'shy' personality and more likely to be labelled as an 'extrovert'.

Here are some tried and tested ways of changing the way you present to others (meaning I have tested them myself and found that they work).

1. Change your job.

The most dramatic example of this was when I gave up my banking career in 1990 and became a therapist. Almost overnight I changed from being a de-pressed, suit-wearing, routine-bound wanker-banker to a guy that wore yellow trousers!

2. Do something that is 'just not like you'.

I wrote something about this on my last blog Reverse Personality. This is about dropping habitual ways of being and experimenting with the opposite set of behaviors. So if you 'never dance' then do just that. If you are 'impatient', slow down. If you find it hard to show love to others then practice.

3. Give up your parents.

To some extent your parents establish and reconfirm your false personality. If they thought you were the 'sporty' type, or 'the reliable one', or 'the family show-off' then chances are that that is what you became. When I left home at 19 I quickly realised that the way my parents often saw me had become, in some ways, a self-imposed limitation. The same applies to the perceptions you accept from your partners, your friends, and your children. There's a great Bette Davis movie about this called Now Voyager, in which she transforms from a mother-dominated, neurotic frump to a sex siren!

4. Learn a new language.

Because each language carries a different way of thinking (based on the words and grammar unique to that language), the use of the mouth and vocal chords, and the expressions that go with it, this is one of the fastest ways to change that I know. Works still better if you live and work there. I discovered this even when I moved to New York for six months a while ago. Although the words were similar - the differences in grammar, intonation and meaning were very powerful.

5. Change the way you dress

That includes the way you dress when you are by yourself and the way you dress outdoors. Remember, what you see in the mirror subtly changes the way you project yourself to others.

6. Acquire new skills

The list could run from assertiveness training through to art, car mechanics, poetry, cooking, meditation, or sexual techniques. Different skills entail different behaviors....which lead to new experiences and new kinds of feedback from others. They will also raise your so-called 'self-esteem' - which is just another way of describing the way you present to others.

7. Develop your personal 'genius'

This has to do with making the most of your innate character - the tastes, skills, talents - and the  individual mission you were born with. When you become what you were truly meant to be, it radiates through your eyes. But I will write more about this 'genius' in my next blog.

8. Have a nervous breakdown

This solution is a little drastic but it could be the most effective of the lot if you can stand the temporary disorientation.

All that is really meant by having a nervous breakdown is that you have lost your ego - the scripted, routine personality you have over-identified with. It typically happens when your deepest feelings  and desires are completely out of sync with the life others expect you to live, so that you end up de-pressing who you really are. The resulting crisis leads to an uprush of powerful emotions which sweep away the false self and enable you to be born anew.

(By the way. you don't have to have a breakdown to be reborn. Practicing new ways of being each and every day will remove the necessity for that, unless you are the religious type).