Reverse Thinking

Road rage

Last week I took an email relating to Why do we lose it? from Patrick Murray (thanks!) asking: how do you stay out of road rage?

What do you do when you are in a car and other drivers tailgate you? Drive dangerously? Cut in front of you? Insult you? Block your right of way? How do we stay cool in circumstances like this?

Patrick also points out that driving is getting more and more stressful, and that crowded roads often mean we are often under pressure to get somewhere on time - which adds to the frustrations of driving. Which makes it more likely that people will develop road rage.

On the basis that you cannot solve a problem by using the same kind of thinking that created it lets use Reverse Thinking on this one. That means looking around the problem instead of trying to fix it directly.

First up, then, is that it makes sense not to drive in the city or on a motorway if you can possibly avoid it. Five years ago I used to drive into London three times a week. Nowadays, I don't drive there at all - I get the train instead. Simply because I don't need the hassle.

Second up is this:

Road rage isn't caused by other drivers, no matter how badly they behave. It's caused by your own thinking and your attitude towards travel. It's also triggered by the amount of frustration you are already carrying when you get behind the wheel.

This is obvious from the fact that some drivers never get road rage, while some get it all the time.

Here are some of the things I have noticed about people in the first group.

• They drive slowly.
• They don't take things personally.
• They are good at handling frustration.
• They avoid getting into 'races with other drivers.
• They are skilled at switching their attention away from bad driving and onto something else (e.g., the radio station, the passenger next to them, their plans for the afternoon).

And here's what the rest of us do:

• We drive too fast
• We are always in a rush to get somewhere else
• We look for - and usually find - disrespectful behavior in other people
• We spend too much time stuck in frustration
• We unconsciously see driving as a competition
• We view the road space we are on as our own personal territory

So what really happens in road rage is something like this: we are already primed for it before we get in the car. In a sense, we are already in a rage before we start driving. Other drivers' bad behavior triggers it, but does not cause it.

The bottom line is that if you really have to drive then add extra time on for your journey, load up with some good CDs, and drive in the slow lane all the way there.

And keep doing those breathing exercises.

What do you do when people go into one?

This series on rage is proving popular. I have been getting quite a few emails from people wanting to know more about this subject. I will do my best to match all your requests as well as I can.

This post is about avoiding people who are in a rage. A while ago, in Losing It 2 Wendy related the story about a friend of hers whose driver-friend suddenly flipped when her car got stuck. She asked: 'What should we do in situations like that?'

Well, I have been thinking this one over fairly carefully and was tempted to give lots of smart answers. But my strict sense of the truth is that the best thing people should do is get the hell out of there.

When people go into one they don't listen to advice any more. In fact, they don't listen at all. And trying to give them advice will enrage them even more. You are likely to be abused yourself.

The reason for this is that when people have an amygdala hijack they lose touch with reality. They have lost it. Their emotions have taken them over. It's a bit like having a panic attack, or having a non-stop crying jag. Bodymind has seized the opportunity to dump all that rage, frustration and grief.

But, worse still, when people go specifically into rage they also indulge in self-pity - they see themselves as victims who somehow have a right to have a blast at the rest of us. It's that self-righteousness that makes them impervious to reality, and that keeps stoking up the rage.

So - take my advice Wendy - open that car door and start running. Doing that might even give the other person a shock and calm them down. You may even get an apologetic phone call the next day.

Image by Mooganic

Why do we lose it?

Have you ever so-nearly-lost-it when someone yells into a mobile phone next to you on the train? Then this final video in the series on nuclear rage could ring bells for you.

Technically, running berserk like this is known as an amygdala hijack. If you were to google that phrase you would get some very superficial explanations of why people have them. On the lines of the so-called 'rational mind' being taken over by an 'irrational', 'primitive' part of the emotional brain = the amygdala - which keeps on stoking up the nervous system with 'stress hormones' (adrenalin and noradrenalin).

But if Bodymind is so dumb and Headmind is so smart, how come it doesn't come up with some strategies for heading off the problem before frustration takes over? Why, for example, does the guy in this film not politely ask the girl to quieten down? And why does the thinking apparatus wait so long before doing anything at all?

Reverse Thinking shows us where the truth lies: it's Headmind that is dumb. All that Bodymind is doing here is pressing the alarm button to tell us that an intolerable situation cannot be allowed to continue. But Headmind won't listen because it is disempowered. And has cornered you into becoming a victim.

You are a victim if you:

• Do not give yourself permission to protest
• Scare yourself with disaster stories instead of speaking out
• Imagine that speaking up is rude, bad, selfish, anti-social, etc

It may be that you are not a victim - it's just that you have never learned how to assert yourself (it continually amazes me how few people have ever been taught to speak out nicely, and with emotional intelligence).

Next up, I will write more about how to handle people who have gone berserk, and how to head off rage before it happens to you.

        "Passion torments him as his rage mingles with his grief."

         Virgil

 

Losing it 2

The YouTube video I posted two days ago showing an office worker totally losing it on CCTV has now been taken off the air - possibly for legal reasons. So here is a replacement video, showing a variety of office rages. They all make the same point as the last one: that people who hold it in too long, do, eventually, go berserk.

Meanwhile, I have received an email from Wendy, one of my regular readers, who relates the following story:

"I was talking with a friend last night who told me of an experience he had with a particularly woman who picks him up to go to meetings and said exactly what you described about 'the calm docile type', and was quite shocked at her reaction when she her car got stuck in turning around point. This usually very calm, docile, person completely lost it! He was very embarrassed and he didn't quite know what to do to help her or the situation. Needless to say he is not keen to travel with her anymore."

Wendy asks: What do you suggest we do as 'First Aid' when this happens?"

I will return to this subject on Friday.   

Losing it

Apparently, this is a real-life video caught on CCTV which shows one office worker totally losing it.

I am fascinated by scenes like this, partly, because I once lost it myself when working in a factory one hot summer while I was a student (I didn't actually trash the place but picked out every single manager one by one and insulted them until I got sacked).

Superficial people see rage as an irrational loss of control. Readers of this blog know that it is actually a problem that occurs when people try to be too rational and so they suppress their mounting frustration. In my last article on this subject, I described how frequent, low-key expressions of anger will head off nuclear rage.

My observation is that most people who do rage come into one of two categories:

1. The docile, easy-going, passive, conformist person who suddenly loses it.

OR

2. Mr or Mrs 'Angry' who fumes at everything because they are not really addressing their deep disatisfaction with the way their lives actually work.

Do you have any good observations or stories about rage?

Write me and let me know.