Reverse Thinking

Why self-help books don't work

Self-help books are now an $8 billion industry in the United States.

The bad news is that most of them don't work. And some could make you still more unhappy if all you get at the end of your read is another fantasy.

Its those disappointed hopes that explain why self-help advice can be so addictive. We think: one day I will work it all out in my head. Then, but only then, I will be happy, rich, sexy, famous, connected to God...etc. And then we start getting obsessional about time management, goal-sheets, thoughts of the day...

The fault in most self-help books is that they work with theories, ideals and stories rather than with real life. Which, of course, is why they defeat their own purpose - if all you are doing is reading about it. Yet even the techniques can take you down the wrong path.

Visualising success, for example - a common self-help technique - won't work unless you actually have a workable plan of action, that your Bodymind passion supports your goals, and you are whole-heartedly ready to pay the price for pursuing your goal.

Positive thinking - another life-saver for the self-help gurus - merely replaces one thought with another - now why would that make any difference? Telling myself that I am a wonderful person won't work if other people who know me better keep telling me the opposite. If all I want is their good opinion then I am going to have to do something to earn it. Self-delusionary re-programming won't help me in any way with that.

Then there is the concept of 'personal power' - the belief that we can achieve all we want with enough 'will' or 'determination'. Er - no - we also need other people, favorable circumstances, personal sacrifice, and a little bit of luck to succeed. We also need a unique talent - and persuasiveness - which is why nearly all the successful people I have actually met (excluding inherited wealth) have had charm in abundance. While I am on that subject, I recommend that anyone who wants to be happier should work on just being kind to people.

Successful people are good at noticing the difference between opportunities that might work and no-brainers that are a waste of time. They have a feel for these things simply because they are tuned into their emotions and intuitions about people. They don't need books to show them that.

The most harmful impact these books have is to create the conditions for yet more failure. The implicit message is that if you are not happy, rich, healthy, successful, and popular (like the blissful author on the front cover), then you must have something wrong with you. So you end up thinking guilty and giving up. Or else buying another self-help book on the list so that you can finally 'get it right'.

Readers of this blog will know that I am continually telling people that there is nothing wrong with you. That the only thing you need to work on is being more child-like, more simple, more honest, more accepting of who you are, more willing to live in the moment, more authentic, and more daring when it comes to exercising your personal genius. 

Books just get in the way of all that.

Image by tanais

Deep, deep relaxation

This is the first in a series of podcasts I am releasing on this blog.

They were originally created for some of my clients but they are free for you to use also.

This one is about 15 minutes long and creates a state of deep relaxation by systematically working through each area of the body and loosening up muscle groups.

It has three basic uses:

A. It can help you reconnect to your body

B. It can quieten down Headmind

C. It can reduce anxiety.

Let me know how you get on with it.

Also, if you have any special requests for other tapes then let me know and I will consider them.

Download Relaxation.WMA

When you click on the above link it takes you to another page. Click on the > Start button at the top left of the page. Click on the down arrow at top right of the page to save the audio file to your hard disk.

This tape could take some time to download so please be patient.

Obsessional?

Today I worked with a client who asked me to work with her on identifying and eliminating her 'bananas'.

For those of you who haven't read my free book then let me explain:

A banana is a fixation or a compulsion, which dictates inflexible, repetitive, self-defeating behavior.

The metaphor is taken from an ancient method for catching monkeys - still practiced to this day in parts of Africa and Asia. Here's how the capture works:

The Hunter lays down a wicker basket with a banana inside it, in a grove where monkeys are known to forage. The cage is so constructed that the monkey can get at the banana but can't pull it out because the bars of the cage are too narrow. Indeed, it cannot withdraw its hand at all unless it drops the banana. Most monkeys are smart enough to let go of the banana and go and look for better opportunities. But a minority don't - that banana just means too much to them. They stay put, holding their booby prize until the hunter comes and throws a net over them.

Like some monkeys, a lot of human beings would rather be slaves than let go of their bananas.

Here are some examples of common bananas:

• I have to be liked
• I should be in control
• I must be successful
• I must not let people down
• I must never get angry
• I should always put other peoples' needs first, no matter what happens to me
• I must be strong

Notice that what makes the banana obsessional is the absolute demand to always act or be that way - as conveyed by the 'musts' and 'shoulds' contained in the injunction. There is nothing wrong with being loved, attracting success, and helping people out. The problem arises when no deviations from the rule are permitted. If that is the case then when we can't cope, we wear ourselves out. Or, when we meet with rejection, failure, bullying or stress, then we no longer know what to do. We go on repeating the same destructive behavior like a broken record. Hoping that, sooner or later, it will work.

Some people get upset when you question their bananas. Their Conscious Mind sees that as a threat to its grasp on reality. To such people, their obsession with the banana is an 'obvious' way to be. Not acting that way is deemed by them to be 'selfish', 'unrealistic', 'immature'. etc. So holding on to bananas - even when they don't apply - is viewed as a right way to be, while discarding them is bad, immoral or stupid. This explains their compulsive character. As does the fact that some people believe that something terrible will happen to them if they let go of their bananas.

This is why so many of us repeat the same toxic relationships over and over again - exploited by 'must-have' employers, abused by 'caring' partners, manipulated by 'helpless' children, let down by 'unlucky' friends', controlled by 'wonderful' parents. Meanwhile, Bodymind is sending us emotional signals to tell us about the way things really are and what we need to be doing about that - saying 'no' when we are tired, asking for help when we are overwhelmed, taking a break when we are frustrated, demanding fairness when we are angry. But if we go on ignoring our emotions, obsessing about bananas and dwelling in toxic relationships, we end up with depression, panic attacks, or what, in Reverse Therapy, we call non-specific illness.

On Monday I will return to this topic, describing how we can give away those bananas!

10 ways to get your life back

This post is the follow up (Part 2) to the one I blogged yesterday:

Why your life has gone wrong - and what to do about it

If you haven't read it yet, I recommend you do that now.

Yesterday I wrote, more or less, on attitude change. Today, I am writing more about the actions to take.

1 Forgive others

Forgiving does not mean that the hurt others have done you in the past is now ok. The meaning of the word 'forgive' means giving something back. In this case you are giving the problem back to the past, where it belongs. You forgive when you make a conscious effort to move on.

2 Start being 20% more honest with people than you were before

You don't have to tell people everything you think about them. That doesn't serve them and it doesn't serve you. Just start to open up a bit more. And if you do have 'hard' things you want to say to them then be sure to balance that with appreciation and love (if that's appropriate). A really good place to start is to practice saying 'No' politely to things you don't really want to do.

3 Sort out your finances

This is a common New Year problem and if it doesn't apply to you then you can skip this bit

You first need to work out exactly how much you owe. The most common mistake people in debt make is to avoid calculating it in case it frightens them. Sit down and itemise the amounts you owe, the money you have in your accounts, and your available income.

Next, work out your priority expenses - these usually include your rent/mortgage, loan repayments, basic home expenses and travel costs to and from work.

Now draw up your budget so that you can meet the priority expenses and ascertain how much you have left over for less urgent expenses. Get your partner to agree and stick to that budget.

If you have urgent creditors who want paying now and you don't have the money then don't avoid them - talk to them. Most creditors are only interested in getting their money back; they have no interest in persecuting you. So negotiate with them.

If you are in dire straits and the advice I have just given won't work for you then you need to get expert advice. The Citizens Advice Bureau is a good place to go. Here in the UK there is also an excellent (free) service over on National Debtline.

4 Prioritise your own needs and talk about them

Your needs could cover a wide range. Maybe you need more time and space? Or a new challenge? Or a new job? More time with your friends? More security? More affection and attention? A holiday?

Whatever it is, start talking to people. People who can give you help and advice. People who need to know what you are going through and how you want things to be different. Or people who can give you information about what's out there for you.

Remember, if you don't look after yourself then you are not going to be able to look after the people you love. For every effort you make on behalf of others your Body needs you to balance that with something you do for yourself. Even Christ needed to get some rest after feeding the Five Thousand!

5 Break out of your comfort zone

The comfort zone includes old habits and routines, which can deaden you to life. The zone represents the way things have 'always' been, the safe, the sterile and the boring. It excludes risk, adventure and excitement. Breaking out of the comfort zone will be scary when you start to do it (fear is just your body's way of telling you to take small steps at first) but you will get used to that. Do one thing each day that is new, a little risky or is something you haven't tried before. It doesn't matter whether it works or not - experiment.

6 Do things that raise Endorphins

In my free book - Reverse Therapy for Health - I write a lot more about Endorphins than I have space for here. Endorphins raise your energy levels, keep you grounded in your body, drive away worries and create serenity. Every day, practice the endorphin-raising activities that work best for you.

7. Spend more time with those you love.

The emotional connections you have with the people you love are not an option - they are a necessity. Make time for them.

8. Renegotiate your agreements

In my last post I asserted that the main reason peoples' lives stop working is that they give away their power to others. Without realising what we are doing, we take on excess burdens, obligations and routines that wear us out. Talk to your partners, friends, employers and the people in your family about the things you want to do for them and make them aware of what it is you want in return.

9. Follow your passion

Make 5 lists:

1. Activities you enjoy doing now
2. Activities that still excite you but which you don't do so much now
3. Activities that raise endorphins
4. Activities or sports that give you (enjoyable) physical exercise
5. New interests you could try that are either stimulating, exciting, or a bit daring

Then: create more time each week for lists 1 and 2. Create more time each day for lists 3 and 4. Start finding out how/when/where and with whom opportunities exist for list 5.

10. Create self-fulfilling prophecies that work

In my last post but one - Why your most useful ideas are delusions - I wrote about the difference between depressive thinking and healthy thinking. Depressive thinking focuses on negative facts and things that can go wrong and keeps people trapped. Healthy thinking focuses on possibilities. Both create self-fulfilling prophecies. So which will you choose?

Hopefully, you chose to go for prophecies like:

• I am learning how to be 'me'
• Being honest with people I love will bring us closer together
• There is a better life out there for us
• I have unique talents and abilities
• I can make life better for me and the people around me
• I make my own fortune

I wish all my readers a happy and successful 2008.