Reverse Thinking

Best 15 instant Xmas stress-busters

Another survey - this one mentioned by Colin Brazier in his Sky News Blog - comes up with two facts:

1. Most people, when asked to come up with a word that goes with 'Christmas' don't say 'happy', or 'merry' but 'stressful'.

2. On average the first Christmas Day argument will kick in at 9.57 am.

Each December I write about Xmas stress so I won't repeat myself here. If you want to look at those past articles they are below:

Your Xmas Hell (2008)

Xmas Stress (2007)

5 Worst Xmas Mistakes to Avoid (2006)

If there are four points common to all three articles then they are probably these:

a. Don't fall for the hype about Xmas

b. Don't expect too much

c. Balance what you do for others with what you do for yourself

d. Do at least one thing over the Xmas period which is spiritually uplifting for you.


Meanwhile here are some fast-working Xmas stress-busters (all tried and tested by me).

1. Go for a walk, walking fast for at least ten-minutes.

2. Dance to music you like.

3. Inhale an aromatherapy scent such as lavender, ylang-ylang, orange, peppermint or rose.

4. Eat some chocolate (raises endorphins).

5. Reflexology: gently massage the triangle of skin between your thumb and forefinger with your other thumb and index finger 5 times.

6. Watch something that makes you laugh.

7. Sing to music you love.

8. Talk to someone who makes you laugh.

9. Go the The Lime Room, click on the meditation room of your choice, and chill out.

10. Take an extended bath or a shower.

11. Use a binaural beat CD (you can order one from the column on the left of this blog).

12. Walk around your home in your bare feet.

13. Get intimate with someone who is fond of you.

14. Slow your reactions down for 15 minutes. Talk, walk, do things at half your normal speed.

15. Breath focus. Increase the amount of time between your in-breath and your out-breath, starting at the count of three and increasing up to the count of seven, then back to three again.

Incidentally, I am featured in the December edition of RED magazine offering advice to people on how to have a depression-less Xmas. The article features three women seeking a better time this year around and a panel of experts to contribute their gems.

I wish all my readers a peaceful, heavenly Xmas-tide.

Why guilt is useless

Guilt is a delusionary state. It doesn't serve you at all and is a creation of the imagination; of Headmind's drive towards conformity.

Here's how Headmind creates Guilt:

1. Headmind is stuffed full of judgments about the person you could be, should be, should not be, etc. Those judgments were not originally your own but inherited from other people. But gradually you internalised them and they became self-judgments.

2. These judgments are re-activated by parents, teachers, priests, employers, children and partners who may be exploiting you.

3. Your Headmind buys into those judgments because it seeks acceptance, conformity, and admiration (even from people who don't deserve your respect).

4. Dwelling on occasions in which guilt comes up - and Headmind judges you - creates uncomfortable Bodymind reactions: cringing, agitation, distress. Although Bodymind creates that discomfort in order to warn you not to indulge in guilt, Headmind interprets this as a signal that you are, indeed, a 'bad' person, worthy of punishment.

Here's another way to understand 'Guilt':

1. Earlier societies did not recognise a psychological state known as 'guilt'. For them 'guilt' was simply another word for 'debt' (as in the German/Saxon word: 'gultig'). It simply meant that one person had harmed another and was unable to put things right. For example, one person stole another person's property but was too poor to pay it back - therefore he was 'guilty' and subject to the penalties of the community.

2. Religious influences gradually changed this original meaning of guilt into 'personal sin'.

3.  When Psychology started up in Germany and America in the 19th century it took over religious ideas about 'sin' and reinterpreted them in terms of 'good' and 'evil' actions. So doing one 'bad' thing made you an 'evil' or 'guilty' person - instead of someone who simply made a mistake.  

4. Mistakes and 'bad' actions you committed in the past were based on the knowledge you possessed at the moment you committed them, no matter how daft. For example: you shop-lifted, knowing you couldn't afford something but that you 'had' to have the item anyway. You let the Headmind state of greed get the better of you.

5. Therefore your past mistakes were based on inadequate knowledge (you thought it was ok to steal, or that you wouldn't get caught, or that it wouldn't matter if you did get caught). Your predictions turned out to be wrong, although you didn't  realise that at the time.

6. Your present self-judgments are based on a false premise: your present self blames your past self even though your past self did not possess the experience of knowledge your present self now has.

Here is the truth:

1. You did not actually have free will back then when you committed your error of judgment. You did what you had to do at the time because you lacked Awareness.

2. Indulging in Headmind worry (i.e. analyzing over and over again about what an 'evil' person you were/are) may actually get in the way of your attempts to put things right.

3. If you have really done somebody wrong you could connect to the emotion of remorse and get on with making amends, rather than wasting time on guilt.


Image by Jsome1

Schopenhauer - a philosophy for grumpy people?

In my last article - Can feeling grumpy be good for you? I mentioned one of my favourite philosophers - Arthur Schopenhauer - who was a grumpy old man already by the age of 19. I first read him at 15 and developed a 'bah humbug' attitude which was delicious and self-indulgent while it lasted although I no longer think it is clever - or even profound - to be pessimistic about life. Even so, I still think that Schopenhauer possessed a genius for philosophy. (He also wrote a lot about sex).

Here are a few gems:

After your death you will be what you were before       your birth.    

Everyone takes the limit of his own field of vision for the limit of the world.

The conscious mind may be regarded as a kind of parasite of the organism, a pensioner, as it were, who dwells within the body.

If you want to know your true opinion of someone, watch the effect produced in you by the sight of a letter/email from that person.

The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom.

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.

Console yourself by remembering that the world doesn't deserve your affection.

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.

There is no absurdity so obvious but that it may be firmly planted in the human head if you only begin to introduce it before the age of five, by constantly repeating it with an air of great solemnity.

The closing years of life are like a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped.

Compassion is the basis of all morality.

Wicked thoughts and worthless efforts gradually set their mark on the face, especially the eyes.

The greatest of mistakes is to sacrifice health for any other kind of reward.

There is no doubt that life is given us, not to be enjoyed, but to be overcome.

In my next article I will write about the advantages - and disadvantages - of pessimism for life.

Can feeling grumpy be good for you?

I receive a mischievous communication from my very good friend Mark McGuinness who wants me to comment on a research article he has looked into, written by some 'Australian psychologists', which claims that being in a 'bad mood' can be 'good' for you.

Now, some of my best experiences in life have been prompted by my 'bad' moods. With the aid of those I have got rid of countless annoying relationships, irritating jobs and pointless activities. So my first thought was that - yet again - a bunch of overpaid academics were being subsidised to announce discoveries most of us learned in primary school. And that Mark had forgotten our many rambling midnight conversations about emotions and the meaning of life.

Yet I realised immediately that these gorgeous, Bondi-beach seeking academics have made yet another category mistake: While bad moods can, indeed, be 'good', those are not the same as 'bad emotions'.

To remind you: there is no such thing as a bad emotion. Emotions are an expression of Bodymind
intelligence. A mood is different. It is a  Headmind attitude. It expresses a relationship between our attitudes and the world as we find it. You can read more about moods here.

A grumpy mood, for me, is a relationship based on suspicion. It means that I no longer trust that experiences, situations, people, or the Lord God himself are doing me any favours. And that, in turn, is a cue that I need to revise my trusting attitude towards these entities. I need to retreat, stand-off, complain, and have a moan. I may even need to disengage - permanently.

So yes - a grumpy mood can be good for you if it helps you get rid of your intellectual garbage.

The funny thing is that I actually find grumpy moods enjoyable. Entraining my suspicion and pessimism on the planet gives me a god-like sense of detachment and playfulness. It also gives me a playground for wit.

Rather like one of my favourite philosophers - Arthur Schopenhauer - who once wrote:

"If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it."

Come to think of it, Schopenhauer deserves an article all to himself, so I will write that next.

Why 'self-help' can do your head in

I have written about this topic before in Why Self-help books don't work

Now there is some harder evidence for what I said in that article.

Researchers at the Universities of Waterloo and New Brunswick in Canada have discovered that people who already have low self-esteem (whatever that might be) and are made to repeat affirmations like 'I am a lovable person' to themselves actually end up in a worse mood than before.

The reason for this is simple: changing your thoughts changes nothing. Which is one reason why - in the majority of cases - Cognitive-Behavior Therapy doesn't work. Headmind will only change its thoughts when new facts come up. So - if your Headmind thinks you are a loser you are only ever going to challenge that thought by winning something. And to do that you are going to have to take a risk of some kind - which means taking action.

Imagine: if you believe the thought that you are an unattractive person (as most of us do from time to time) then saying 'I am beautiful' to yourself is only going to impress you with it's falsity. And if you are in a really bad way then Headmind is going to whisper to you that you are not only ugly but delusional too.

In Reverse Therapy we prefer to ignore negative thoughts and drive on the emotionally imperative actions the client needs to take in order to change the facts.

If you really, really think you are unlovable then my advice is to be kind to someone right now. You won't change from a frog into a prince but you will sure feel better about yourself.

Image by Logan Cyrus

Why self-help books don't work

Self-help books are now an $8 billion industry in the United States.

The bad news is that most of them don't work. And some could make you still more unhappy if all you get at the end of your read is another fantasy.

Its those disappointed hopes that explain why self-help advice can be so addictive. We think: one day I will work it all out in my head. Then, but only then, I will be happy, rich, sexy, famous, connected to God...etc. And then we start getting obsessional about time management, goal-sheets, thoughts of the day...

The fault in most self-help books is that they work with theories, ideals and stories rather than with real life. Which, of course, is why they defeat their own purpose - if all you are doing is reading about it. Yet even the techniques can take you down the wrong path.

Visualising success, for example - a common self-help technique - won't work unless you actually have a workable plan of action, that your Bodymind passion supports your goals, and you are whole-heartedly ready to pay the price for pursuing your goal.

Positive thinking - another life-saver for the self-help gurus - merely replaces one thought with another - now why would that make any difference? Telling myself that I am a wonderful person won't work if other people who know me better keep telling me the opposite. If all I want is their good opinion then I am going to have to do something to earn it. Self-delusionary re-programming won't help me in any way with that.

Then there is the concept of 'personal power' - the belief that we can achieve all we want with enough 'will' or 'determination'. Er - no - we also need other people, favorable circumstances, personal sacrifice, and a little bit of luck to succeed. We also need a unique talent - and persuasiveness - which is why nearly all the successful people I have actually met (excluding inherited wealth) have had charm in abundance. While I am on that subject, I recommend that anyone who wants to be happier should work on just being kind to people.

Successful people are good at noticing the difference between opportunities that might work and no-brainers that are a waste of time. They have a feel for these things simply because they are tuned into their emotions and intuitions about people. They don't need books to show them that.

The most harmful impact these books have is to create the conditions for yet more failure. The implicit message is that if you are not happy, rich, healthy, successful, and popular (like the blissful author on the front cover), then you must have something wrong with you. So you end up thinking guilty and giving up. Or else buying another self-help book on the list so that you can finally 'get it right'.

Readers of this blog will know that I am continually telling people that there is nothing wrong with you. That the only thing you need to work on is being more child-like, more simple, more honest, more accepting of who you are, more willing to live in the moment, more authentic, and more daring when it comes to exercising your personal genius. 

Books just get in the way of all that.

Image by tanais

Deep, deep relaxation

This is the first in a series of podcasts I am releasing on this blog.

They were originally created for some of my clients but they are free for you to use also.

This one is about 15 minutes long and creates a state of deep relaxation by systematically working through each area of the body and loosening up muscle groups.

It has three basic uses:

A. It can help you reconnect to your body

B. It can quieten down Headmind

C. It can reduce anxiety.

Let me know how you get on with it.

Also, if you have any special requests for other tapes then let me know and I will consider them.

Download Relaxation.WMA

When you click on the above link it takes you to another page. Click on the > Start button at the top left of the page. Click on the down arrow at top right of the page to save the audio file to your hard disk.

This tape could take some time to download so please be patient.

Obsessional?

Today I worked with a client who asked me to work with her on identifying and eliminating her 'bananas'.

For those of you who haven't read my free book then let me explain:

A banana is a fixation or a compulsion, which dictates inflexible, repetitive, self-defeating behavior.

The metaphor is taken from an ancient method for catching monkeys - still practiced to this day in parts of Africa and Asia. Here's how the capture works:

The Hunter lays down a wicker basket with a banana inside it, in a grove where monkeys are known to forage. The cage is so constructed that the monkey can get at the banana but can't pull it out because the bars of the cage are too narrow. Indeed, it cannot withdraw its hand at all unless it drops the banana. Most monkeys are smart enough to let go of the banana and go and look for better opportunities. But a minority don't - that banana just means too much to them. They stay put, holding their booby prize until the hunter comes and throws a net over them.

Like some monkeys, a lot of human beings would rather be slaves than let go of their bananas.

Here are some examples of common bananas:

• I have to be liked
• I should be in control
• I must be successful
• I must not let people down
• I must never get angry
• I should always put other peoples' needs first, no matter what happens to me
• I must be strong

Notice that what makes the banana obsessional is the absolute demand to always act or be that way - as conveyed by the 'musts' and 'shoulds' contained in the injunction. There is nothing wrong with being loved, attracting success, and helping people out. The problem arises when no deviations from the rule are permitted. If that is the case then when we can't cope, we wear ourselves out. Or, when we meet with rejection, failure, bullying or stress, then we no longer know what to do. We go on repeating the same destructive behavior like a broken record. Hoping that, sooner or later, it will work.

Some people get upset when you question their bananas. Their Conscious Mind sees that as a threat to its grasp on reality. To such people, their obsession with the banana is an 'obvious' way to be. Not acting that way is deemed by them to be 'selfish', 'unrealistic', 'immature'. etc. So holding on to bananas - even when they don't apply - is viewed as a right way to be, while discarding them is bad, immoral or stupid. This explains their compulsive character. As does the fact that some people believe that something terrible will happen to them if they let go of their bananas.

This is why so many of us repeat the same toxic relationships over and over again - exploited by 'must-have' employers, abused by 'caring' partners, manipulated by 'helpless' children, let down by 'unlucky' friends', controlled by 'wonderful' parents. Meanwhile, Bodymind is sending us emotional signals to tell us about the way things really are and what we need to be doing about that - saying 'no' when we are tired, asking for help when we are overwhelmed, taking a break when we are frustrated, demanding fairness when we are angry. But if we go on ignoring our emotions, obsessing about bananas and dwelling in toxic relationships, we end up with depression, panic attacks, or what, in Reverse Therapy, we call non-specific illness.

On Monday I will return to this topic, describing how we can give away those bananas!

10 ways to get your life back

This post is the follow up (Part 2) to the one I blogged yesterday:

Why your life has gone wrong - and what to do about it

If you haven't read it yet, I recommend you do that now.

Yesterday I wrote, more or less, on attitude change. Today, I am writing more about the actions to take.

1 Forgive others

Forgiving does not mean that the hurt others have done you in the past is now ok. The meaning of the word 'forgive' means giving something back. In this case you are giving the problem back to the past, where it belongs. You forgive when you make a conscious effort to move on.

2 Start being 20% more honest with people than you were before

You don't have to tell people everything you think about them. That doesn't serve them and it doesn't serve you. Just start to open up a bit more. And if you do have 'hard' things you want to say to them then be sure to balance that with appreciation and love (if that's appropriate). A really good place to start is to practice saying 'No' politely to things you don't really want to do.

3 Sort out your finances

This is a common New Year problem and if it doesn't apply to you then you can skip this bit

You first need to work out exactly how much you owe. The most common mistake people in debt make is to avoid calculating it in case it frightens them. Sit down and itemise the amounts you owe, the money you have in your accounts, and your available income.

Next, work out your priority expenses - these usually include your rent/mortgage, loan repayments, basic home expenses and travel costs to and from work.

Now draw up your budget so that you can meet the priority expenses and ascertain how much you have left over for less urgent expenses. Get your partner to agree and stick to that budget.

If you have urgent creditors who want paying now and you don't have the money then don't avoid them - talk to them. Most creditors are only interested in getting their money back; they have no interest in persecuting you. So negotiate with them.

If you are in dire straits and the advice I have just given won't work for you then you need to get expert advice. The Citizens Advice Bureau is a good place to go. Here in the UK there is also an excellent (free) service over on National Debtline.

4 Prioritise your own needs and talk about them

Your needs could cover a wide range. Maybe you need more time and space? Or a new challenge? Or a new job? More time with your friends? More security? More affection and attention? A holiday?

Whatever it is, start talking to people. People who can give you help and advice. People who need to know what you are going through and how you want things to be different. Or people who can give you information about what's out there for you.

Remember, if you don't look after yourself then you are not going to be able to look after the people you love. For every effort you make on behalf of others your Body needs you to balance that with something you do for yourself. Even Christ needed to get some rest after feeding the Five Thousand!

5 Break out of your comfort zone

The comfort zone includes old habits and routines, which can deaden you to life. The zone represents the way things have 'always' been, the safe, the sterile and the boring. It excludes risk, adventure and excitement. Breaking out of the comfort zone will be scary when you start to do it (fear is just your body's way of telling you to take small steps at first) but you will get used to that. Do one thing each day that is new, a little risky or is something you haven't tried before. It doesn't matter whether it works or not - experiment.

6 Do things that raise Endorphins

In my free book - Reverse Therapy for Health - I write a lot more about Endorphins than I have space for here. Endorphins raise your energy levels, keep you grounded in your body, drive away worries and create serenity. Every day, practice the endorphin-raising activities that work best for you.

7. Spend more time with those you love.

The emotional connections you have with the people you love are not an option - they are a necessity. Make time for them.

8. Renegotiate your agreements

In my last post I asserted that the main reason peoples' lives stop working is that they give away their power to others. Without realising what we are doing, we take on excess burdens, obligations and routines that wear us out. Talk to your partners, friends, employers and the people in your family about the things you want to do for them and make them aware of what it is you want in return.

9. Follow your passion

Make 5 lists:

1. Activities you enjoy doing now
2. Activities that still excite you but which you don't do so much now
3. Activities that raise endorphins
4. Activities or sports that give you (enjoyable) physical exercise
5. New interests you could try that are either stimulating, exciting, or a bit daring

Then: create more time each week for lists 1 and 2. Create more time each day for lists 3 and 4. Start finding out how/when/where and with whom opportunities exist for list 5.

10. Create self-fulfilling prophecies that work

In my last post but one - Why your most useful ideas are delusions - I wrote about the difference between depressive thinking and healthy thinking. Depressive thinking focuses on negative facts and things that can go wrong and keeps people trapped. Healthy thinking focuses on possibilities. Both create self-fulfilling prophecies. So which will you choose?

Hopefully, you chose to go for prophecies like:

• I am learning how to be 'me'
• Being honest with people I love will bring us closer together
• There is a better life out there for us
• I have unique talents and abilities
• I can make life better for me and the people around me
• I make my own fortune

I wish all my readers a happy and successful 2008.