Reverse Thinking

Can feeling grumpy be good for you?

I receive a mischievous communication from my very good friend Mark McGuinness who wants me to comment on a research article he has looked into, written by some 'Australian psychologists', which claims that being in a 'bad mood' can be 'good' for you.

Now, some of my best experiences in life have been prompted by my 'bad' moods. With the aid of those I have got rid of countless annoying relationships, irritating jobs and pointless activities. So my first thought was that - yet again - a bunch of overpaid academics were being subsidised to announce discoveries most of us learned in primary school. And that Mark had forgotten our many rambling midnight conversations about emotions and the meaning of life.

Yet I realised immediately that these gorgeous, Bondi-beach seeking academics have made yet another category mistake: While bad moods can, indeed, be 'good', those are not the same as 'bad emotions'.

To remind you: there is no such thing as a bad emotion. Emotions are an expression of Bodymind
intelligence. A mood is different. It is a  Headmind attitude. It expresses a relationship between our attitudes and the world as we find it. You can read more about moods here.

A grumpy mood, for me, is a relationship based on suspicion. It means that I no longer trust that experiences, situations, people, or the Lord God himself are doing me any favours. And that, in turn, is a cue that I need to revise my trusting attitude towards these entities. I need to retreat, stand-off, complain, and have a moan. I may even need to disengage - permanently.

So yes - a grumpy mood can be good for you if it helps you get rid of your intellectual garbage.

The funny thing is that I actually find grumpy moods enjoyable. Entraining my suspicion and pessimism on the planet gives me a god-like sense of detachment and playfulness. It also gives me a playground for wit.

Rather like one of my favourite philosophers - Arthur Schopenhauer - who once wrote:

"If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it."

Come to think of it, Schopenhauer deserves an article all to himself, so I will write that next.

Escape from personal misery

This is the follow up article to Go mad with Dr Johnson. If you haven't read that one yet then best to read it here before returning to this page.

The core problem with Johnson was that he was dominated by his ego. I have written quite a bit about the ego before on this blog. The fundamental problem with the ego is that it is based on a sense that we are lacking in something (love, intelligence, security, success, approval, etc). So the ego is always driving us on to prove ourselves in some way - a never-ending search that is exhausting because the ego is never satisfied. The problem is compounded by the delusion that the ego - with its habitual thoughts, demands, duties, and obligations; its isolation and loneliness; its conviction that it alone knows the 'truth' - is the Self. But the ego is not who you are. You are the spirit that lives through Bodymind and is grounded in the now. Your ego was just something you set up on the rebound from other people.

In Johnson's case his ego was dominated by three ideas:

That he was a freak (from childhood he was hideously disfigured by facial scars and most likely he also had Tourette's syndrome). 

That he was an outcast (he was forced to leave Oxford University due to poverty)

That he had to be wiser than everybody else.

The result was that he spent his life secretly loathing himself and using his brilliant mind to dominate other people. But the net result was that he grew more and more lonely, more and more self-judgmental, and more and more depressed.

In Reverse Therapy I work every day with people who are trapped in personal misery. Sometimes that unhappiness is linked to external events: death, separation, illness, redundancy, abuse, conflict, etc. Even so, I try to teach my clients that you can remain positive, self-nurturing, outgoing and self-accepting even while you are dealing with adversity. Not to mention grounded, working with emotional intelligence, and striving to live in the now.

In my view the troubles of life are not the cause of personal misery. That is shown by the fact that many people have come through terrible circumstances but remain cheerful, optimistic and an inspiration to others (think Nelson Mandela).

The main cause of personal suffering is that we are trapped in the ego. If this is so then the solution is to escape from the ego. I have already described how people can achieve this in a previous article - Downsizing the ego but I will add a few more points to what I wrote there:

Try to see life as a game which you play for the pleasure of doing so, not to prove anything to others.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh at yourself, often.

Whatever your bananas are - do the opposite.

Don't dwell on past experiences.

Keep your focus on other people, not on yourself.

Experiment with new personalities. Don't settle for one way of being.

Always tell the truth. Only the ego lies.

Nurture your Personal Genius - it is the antidote for small-mindedness.

Practice Awareness - always.

Distress, dis-ease and stress

This is a slightly technical article about stress. The intention is to help people get clarity on stress and how to avoid it.

Readers with long memories may recall that, in my 2007 article Stress Out, I argued that 'stress' as most psychologists think about it, doesn't actually exist. Stress isn't something that happens to you; it's something you create. I quote:

"The first thing to do about stress is get rid of the word 'stress'. Because the moment you use that word you are going to develop the illusion that an unfair, malign world is overloading you with problems that are driving you crazy. Thinking about your problem in this way will usually create passivity, hopelessness, procrastination and cynicism. It will also make you ill."

"Stress' only happens to people who imagine that they are victims. Now most of us get distressed when we come up against the burdens, losses and pain of life. By which I mean that we get upset. But getting upset is normal. The emotions that come up when things don't go our way: fear, sadness, frustration, anger - are signals from Bodymind that we are in trouble and that we need to make decisions, adapt to change, take risks, and get help.

The reason some of us don't handle distress well is because your ego refuses to accept that you need to change. And the basic reason for that is what I call 'dis-ease'.

Dis-ease is a pre-illness state in which your Conscious Mind - or Headmind as we call it in Reverse Therapy - is out of sync with Bodymind. Meaning that it tries to pretend that your emotions aren't there. Or if it does admit that they are there it explains them away. Or comes up with reasons why you shouldn't be letting 'irrational' emotions take you over (for example: 'I'm a grown man/boys don't cry.' or 'I'm a grown woman - I'm not going to let anyone think I can't handle it.').

Now if this state of affairs continues too long then you will not only be stuck with a load of unresolved problems but you are going to be in a jittery, highly charged, anxious, insomniac state. A state that can very quickly turn into out-of-control rage, or depression, or something worse. Like what some people call 'stress-related illness': irritable bowel syndrome, stomach ulcers, heart problems, eczema, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, tension myositis. Simply because your body can only take so much.

I have already written about how to avoid 'stress' in this article: 10 best ways to stay out of stress so I won't repeat what I said there.

But the real solution is to shrink the ego. Reduce the amount of time you spend on hurrying, worrying, control-freakery, or pretending to be someone you are not.

    'Stress is an ignorant state.  It believes that everything is an emergency.'
     Natalie Goldberg

Image by jenniferlstoddart

12 best ways to stay calm

This is the last but one in the series on handling rage.

Today we are focusing on how you can manage your life so that you don't have to go berserk.

Remember that rage happens when people become victims and can't deal with their emotional imperatives any more. If you work every day with your emotions and Bodymind there is no earthly reason why you should flip.

Here are my twelve best ways to deal with frustration before you go nuclear:

Stop being a victim.

Regaining your personal power means looking at the things you can influence, and leaving the rest well alone. Focus on what you can change and leave the rest.

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind here:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.       

Exercise.

You may have noticed that most of the people in the videos are either unfit or overweight. There is, in fact, a lot of evidence to show that people who don't exercise get more stressed (and enraged) than those who don't. Which brings us to the next point:

Endorphin release.

I have already written about this subject elsewhere in this blog. The more of these cute little morphine pills your brain produces, the less likely you are to lose it. Frequent, regular exercise has so far been shown to be the best way to make that happen.

Relaxation.

When we live most of the time in our heads we are habitually tense and on edge - waiting for (and even setting up) an ever-fresh supply of crises which feed the victim pose. As a result your Bodymind starts to use adrenalin instead of glucose energy in order to keep going. Each time you consciously relax you are sending a signal to Bodymind that it can stand down from that. If you need help relaxing you can download my podcast on deep relaxation here.

Slow down.

If you are constantly in a rush then you are not going to be efficient at what you do. You will make mistakes and, the more you make, the more your frustrations will mount. Interestingly, I have noticed that people who move too fast, or speak too fast, will tend to be Headmind types. One thing we teach people in Reverse Therapy is to move and speak at least 50% slower than the usual speed.

Learn to live in the moment

This is really a continuation of the previous solution. When you practice Awareness you will automatically go into your body-rhythmic approach to life, rather than the headless chicken one that belongs to headmind. The practice of tai chi, yoga, qi gung, breath meditation, etc are all excellent ways of fostering this.

Avoid wind-ups.

No matter how hard you try there are always going to be people and situations that press your buttons. So give them a body-swerve instead. If Call Centres do it to you then don't call them. If there are TV programs that get you going, then don't watch them. If you have annoying people in your life then don't visit.

Look for a better way.

If there are situations that regularly wind you up and you can't avoid them at all then find a better way. I recall one client of mine who used to get completely stressed out by rush-hour traffic and, when she got home, would indulge in some rage behavior on her children and her partner before reaching for the bottle. That problem was partly solved when she negotiated flexible working hours instead of having to leave at 5 o'clock.

Cut down on stimulants.

If you are overdosing on caffeine or another adrenalin trigger, then cut it out. You are sending entirely the wrong signal to Bodymind.

Improve your work-life balance.

As a rough rule of thumb, your body needs twenty minutes back for every hour of work you do (that includes work you do for your partner, your children, your family, and your home). So, if you work a thirty-five hour week you need to be spending around twelve hours a week doing things with yourself and other people that keep you fit, happy and sane.

Practice saying 'No'.

For more on using this very useful word see 10 ways to get your life back.

Move on from dead-ends.

If, despite your best efforts to solve the situation, you are still trapped in that dead-end job or relationship, then start making plans. It may take time for you to extract yourself, but do something every day to move on to something better.

Christmas stress

According to the Belfast Telegraph 45% of us will experience stress over Christmas.

The things people get stressed about include:

1. Spending too much money

2. Shopping for presents

3. Family arguments

4. Eating and drinking too much

5. Deciding where to spend Christmas

Stress is what happens to you when your Body has had enough. The symptoms of stress - headaches, sleep problems, tension, panic, irritability, and the rest are switched on when you stop listening to what your emotions are telling you and you get over-involved with other peoples' priorities. Or, perhaps, you delude yourself into thinking you are missing out on things other people might be having. (They are not!).

The ideal thing to do about Xmas is to forget all about it. If you can't do that then here are some other things you can do:

• Lower your expectations. Xmas is hard work for most of us. The less you expect, the more welcome those Winter Wonderland moments will be.
• Explain to everyone that Santa Claus is in hospital this year recovering from Manic Depression. In his absence you have bought every one Marks and Spencers' vouchers for presents.
• Don't save up all your grudges for unloading once you reach that critical point when the kids are on at you, your partner has fallen asleep and your elderly relatives whinge on about missing EastEnders (this would be around 4pm by my calculations). If you have to hold grudges then make sure they are sorted before the day itself.
• Don't try too hard to please others. You won't succeed - so make sure you take plenty of time out for you.
• Go for plenty of nice long walks - often.
  
• If you are on your own this year, then consider doing some charity work. Most charities are crying out for volunteers and you will have the satisfaction of making other peoples' lives a little bit better while the rest of the world is at each other's throats.
• And ABOVE ALL remember to meditate on staying in your body, in the moment, where peace and truth alone lie, divesting yourself away from Headmind demands to 'act festive'. That, believe me, is where the spirit Christ spoke about actually dwells.

Whatever you decide to do - I wish all my readers a Xmas filled with divine peace.

10 best ways to stay out of stress

• Follow your passion

Your passion could be a skill that you practice, something creative, a new way of living, a dream you are pursuing, or something new you are learning. If it helps you actualize who you really are then spending time on this regularly is going to keep the stress levels down.

• Practice awareness

    It doesn't matter whether you follow tai chi, yoga, meditation, qui gong, breathing work or anything else. So long as it keeps you away from Headmind chatter, grounds you in your body and that you keep on practicing awareness for the here and now.

• Exercise regularly

In my opinion this is the easiest and yet most under-rated stress-buster there is. Even a 15 minute run every day is going to get those endorphin levels up and keep you energised through the day

• Learn to say 'No'

It constantly amazes me how many people have never learned to use the magic word. It doesn't matter if you say it nicely, rudely, slowly or fast. Just say it! And the more you say it, the easier it gets.

• Take time out for yourself

My grandfather (who died aged 94) would sit in a darkened room every evening for twenty minutes. It worked for him....

• Do 75% of what you 'have' to do today and leave the rest

This one is based on a bit of research. Which showed that a lot of busy, stressed people don't make effective use of their time because they waste it in worrying about all the things they haven't done yet. Or they rush the job and have to do it all over again. Get the drift?

• Surround yourself with people who care about you

That means people who don't place extra demands on you and who give out rather than take. If you don't know anyone that fits that profile then get a dog.

• Cut down on routine

More research shows that too much routine can be as stressful as trying to do too much. If routine is unavoidable then balance it out by adding in more variety before and after.

• Zone out the worries

Listening to negative self-talk every day will eventually drive you crazy. Practicing an awareness discipline that tunes it out is good to do. Keeping busy on activities that give you no time to listen to it is good too. Learn, also to see the worries as fantasies rather than predictions.

• Be 20% more honest with people than you were before

Putting on appearances and lying about what is going on is draining. It's also a powerful, and very subtle, stress-builder. Get rid of the baggage by regularly telling the people around you the way things really are from time to time.

Stress out

The first thing to do about stress is get rid of the word 'stress'. Because the moment you use that word you are going to develop the illusion that an unfair, malign world is overloading you with problems that are driving you crazy. Thinking about your problem in this way will usually create passivity, hopelessness, procrastination and cynicism. It will also make you ill.

When Dr Hans Selye (the uninentional founder of the Stress Industry) first came up with the word 'Stress', he wasn't referring to the cause but the illness. Stress, for Selye, meant the exhausted, aching, virus-ridden, sleepless, anxious, depressed state his patients had ended up in. He didn't say they had been worn out by problems. Instead, he argued that they had failed to adapt to problems. And then they got worn out.

I was looking at a very good blog by Dr Ellen Weber on this very subject here. For Ellen linguistic intelligence (i.e. using words carefully) opens up options, choices and decisions. But linguistic dumbness leads straight to powerlessness.

For example, contrast this statement:

'Things are so bad at work right now that I am heading for a breakdown'.

with this one:

I have way too much work to do and I'm going to need all the support I can get with that.

The first statement refers to 'bad' forces that cause nervous breakdowns. The second describes the challenge and the resources required to deal with it. Assuming linguistic dumbness isn't holding things up the person will soon be talking to people who can help.

Here are some other statements you could try changing if you ever catch yourself using them. Notice that the first in each pair is passive, vague, overgeneralized, or unreal. While the second is active, specific and realistic.

'My daughter is stressing me out so much I could kill her!'

try

'My daughter is  staying out way too late. If she doesn't start getting home on time I will take her key away.

'My so-called 'best friend' is a real user. I can't cope with it any more'

try

'My best friend asks for way too much. I'd better learn to start saying 'No'

'My relationship is the pits. I feel like I want to go live in a nunnery.'

try

'Things aren't working out in this relationship. Time we both talked about what we really want from this.'

Linguistic intelligence leads to adaptation. For Hans Selye, adaptation is the key so finding the right words to describe what is going on will lead you to make choices that keep you out of stress. If you read this article too late and you are already stressed, then take Dr Ellen Weber's advice and focus on the words that describe the way things might be instead of the way your Headmind imagines they are.

Next Up: My top ten best adaptive ways to avoid stress

Monty Python and Kurt Vonnegut

"Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it. If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information."
Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007

A fantastic story appeared last week from Tom Hart Dyke - the Eccentric Gardener. Apparently he and a friend were plant-hunting in the South American jungle when they were kidnapped by the Indians. Trying to persuade them that they were not CIA agents but just two average joes who got lost in the jungle, they hit on the idea of singing and dancing to them.

They launched into the Pythons' 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' announcing it as the English National Anthem.

'If Life seems jolly rotten - there's something you've forgotten - Always look on the bright side of life' one of them sang in a baritone, while the other leapt into the air with his knees up to his chin, waggling his hands.

Very soon the guerillas, sub-machine guns at their sides, were rolling around on the floor, crying with laughter.

Life of Brian could well be the funniest film ever made. Be that as it might, Tom Hart Dyke's story tells us that extreme situations invite laughter or tears. Either are ok but I prefer laughter. The Life of Brian is full of characters - religious zealots, empire-builders, revolutionary conspirators, who just don't get how funny they are when they are trying to be serious. In short, they are stuck in their heads. And the more pedantic they try to be, the funnier they are.

Now in the story Tom Hart Dyke tells it could have gone the other way. He and his friend could both have got very serious in a way that would have made things worse. The more worried they got the more those Indians would have gotten suspicious. But the crazy idea of doing that song broke through the barriers. Through laughter they avoided tragedy.

Which brings me to the late, great Kurt Vonnegut. This was a man who, as an American POW, survived the Dresden Fire Bombing in 1945 which wiped out 130,000 people. And who still managed to write SlaughterHouse 5, a book which is funny as well as grief-stricken for the men, women and children who died in the worst war in history.

God bless all those like the Pythons, Kurt Vonnegut and Tom Hart Dyke who give us the gift of laughter. Goodbye Blue Monday!

The Fibromyalgia mystery

In my last post I mentioned Chris Moran's observations that over three-quarters of his Fibromyalgia patients had first sufffered from whiplash and other injuries. This has been amply borne out by my own experience. To take 4 recent cases:

Case 1. A client in her 40s whose Fibromyalgia started following surgery after a car crash went wrong and left her with permanent nerve damage to her face.

Case 2. A client in her 30s whose Fibromyalgia started up after breaking both legs in a ski-ing accident.

Case 3. A client in his 30s who developed Fibromyalgia after a whip-lash injury from a car accident left him temporarily disabled.

Case 4. A client in her 60s with Fibromyalgia who had also suffered from Trigeminal Neuralgia for over 10 years.

Yet in each case the Fibromyalgia pain (although not always the other pain source) reduced or disappeared with changing circumstances. Case 1 found her symptoms were less when not caring for her very old mother. Case 2 at weekends when with her family and friends. Case 3 when not cooped up at home (he worked part-time). Case 4 when away on holiday.

So how does chronic pain link to Fibromyalgia? Here is my theory for what it is worth. Injuries and illness create pain in the first place and also a restricted, frustrating, life-style. This, in turn, leads to increased emotion (not only frustration but also sadness, anger and fear) as well as a reduction in joy. At this point the HPA axis is activated and eventually creates the further symptoms of Fibromyalgia - effectively prompting the individual to pay more attention to her emotional needs and change the way in which she has adapted to the pain.

Chronic pain is one of the most distressing experiences we can have. I well remember the pain I suffered for years from an undiagnosed appendix problem - as well as the intense pain that occurred the week before I was rushed into hospital when it ruptured. And yet my experience was small-scale compared to some of my clients. It's no wonder they are emotionally vulnerable.

Anxiety

Anxiety is sometimes called 'the modern disease' (or at least when I was a twenty-something poet I liked to think so). In fact this is not true. Chronic anxiety, according to a consensus of studies, only affects about 16% of the population.

The reason many of us think Anxiety is more common than it is, is that we get it mixed up with Fear. But Anxiety is not an emotion - it is a symptomatic state. Fear is an emotion.

Bodymind creates a fear response when we are confronted with an immediate danger that requires action on our part. It is a strong, visceral, emotion and we are being aroused to do something about the problem in that moment - find out more about it, talk to others, get help, do something about the situation. As we swing into action the emotion dissolves.

Anxiety is created by Headmind and relates to situations that have either not happened yet, or future situations we are worrying about. Anxiety comes up when we avoid taking action, dwelling instead on the 'disaster movies' Headmind cooks up for us. The symptomatic state that ensues - chest constriction, gut changes, sweating, rapid heart-beat, panic - is a warning that we are spending too much time in our Heads, thinking about the problem rather than getting involved. In fact, as research often shows, worries rarely come true.

Anxiety worsens with avoidance. The more Headmind worries about what will happen to us the more 'obvious' it seems to stay away from situations. Unfortunately, the more we stay away, the worse the anxiety gets, as Headmind has more unknown problems to feed on.

This difference can be clearly seen in shyness. Shy people are not fearful, they are anxious. They get trapped in the heads worrying about what people will think of them, of having nothing to say and drying up, of being rejected, etc. The remedy is to get some coaching and learn how to slowly make social situations easier. But avoiding society will only make the problem worse.

Sometimes fear and anxiety go together (now it gets really subtle!). So - we can be scared when we receive a tax bill and when that happens we are being motivated to talk to people who can help us find a solution. And we can also get anxious - a sure sign that we are avoiding action and hallucinating calamity. So when your tax bill arrives at the end of this month be sure to have your bank manager's phone number handy.

I wish all my readers a Happy New Year!