Reverse Thinking

Why guilt is useless

Guilt is a delusionary state. It doesn't serve you at all and is a creation of the imagination; of Headmind's drive towards conformity.

Here's how Headmind creates Guilt:

1. Headmind is stuffed full of judgments about the person you could be, should be, should not be, etc. Those judgments were not originally your own but inherited from other people. But gradually you internalised them and they became self-judgments.

2. These judgments are re-activated by parents, teachers, priests, employers, children and partners who may be exploiting you.

3. Your Headmind buys into those judgments because it seeks acceptance, conformity, and admiration (even from people who don't deserve your respect).

4. Dwelling on occasions in which guilt comes up - and Headmind judges you - creates uncomfortable Bodymind reactions: cringing, agitation, distress. Although Bodymind creates that discomfort in order to warn you not to indulge in guilt, Headmind interprets this as a signal that you are, indeed, a 'bad' person, worthy of punishment.

Here's another way to understand 'Guilt':

1. Earlier societies did not recognise a psychological state known as 'guilt'. For them 'guilt' was simply another word for 'debt' (as in the German/Saxon word: 'gultig'). It simply meant that one person had harmed another and was unable to put things right. For example, one person stole another person's property but was too poor to pay it back - therefore he was 'guilty' and subject to the penalties of the community.

2. Religious influences gradually changed this original meaning of guilt into 'personal sin'.

3.  When Psychology started up in Germany and America in the 19th century it took over religious ideas about 'sin' and reinterpreted them in terms of 'good' and 'evil' actions. So doing one 'bad' thing made you an 'evil' or 'guilty' person - instead of someone who simply made a mistake.  

4. Mistakes and 'bad' actions you committed in the past were based on the knowledge you possessed at the moment you committed them, no matter how daft. For example: you shop-lifted, knowing you couldn't afford something but that you 'had' to have the item anyway. You let the Headmind state of greed get the better of you.

5. Therefore your past mistakes were based on inadequate knowledge (you thought it was ok to steal, or that you wouldn't get caught, or that it wouldn't matter if you did get caught). Your predictions turned out to be wrong, although you didn't  realise that at the time.

6. Your present self-judgments are based on a false premise: your present self blames your past self even though your past self did not possess the experience of knowledge your present self now has.

Here is the truth:

1. You did not actually have free will back then when you committed your error of judgment. You did what you had to do at the time because you lacked Awareness.

2. Indulging in Headmind worry (i.e. analyzing over and over again about what an 'evil' person you were/are) may actually get in the way of your attempts to put things right.

3. If you have really done somebody wrong you could connect to the emotion of remorse and get on with making amends, rather than wasting time on guilt.


Image by Jsome1

Schopenhauer - a philosophy for grumpy people?

In my last article - Can feeling grumpy be good for you? I mentioned one of my favourite philosophers - Arthur Schopenhauer - who was a grumpy old man already by the age of 19. I first read him at 15 and developed a 'bah humbug' attitude which was delicious and self-indulgent while it lasted although I no longer think it is clever - or even profound - to be pessimistic about life. Even so, I still think that Schopenhauer possessed a genius for philosophy. (He also wrote a lot about sex).

Here are a few gems:

After your death you will be what you were before       your birth.    

Everyone takes the limit of his own field of vision for the limit of the world.

The conscious mind may be regarded as a kind of parasite of the organism, a pensioner, as it were, who dwells within the body.

If you want to know your true opinion of someone, watch the effect produced in you by the sight of a letter/email from that person.

The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom.

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people.

Console yourself by remembering that the world doesn't deserve your affection.

Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.

There is no absurdity so obvious but that it may be firmly planted in the human head if you only begin to introduce it before the age of five, by constantly repeating it with an air of great solemnity.

The closing years of life are like a masquerade party, when the masks are dropped.

Compassion is the basis of all morality.

Wicked thoughts and worthless efforts gradually set their mark on the face, especially the eyes.

The greatest of mistakes is to sacrifice health for any other kind of reward.

There is no doubt that life is given us, not to be enjoyed, but to be overcome.

In my next article I will write about the advantages - and disadvantages - of pessimism for life.

Escape from personal misery

This is the follow up article to Go mad with Dr Johnson. If you haven't read that one yet then best to read it here before returning to this page.

The core problem with Johnson was that he was dominated by his ego. I have written quite a bit about the ego before on this blog. The fundamental problem with the ego is that it is based on a sense that we are lacking in something (love, intelligence, security, success, approval, etc). So the ego is always driving us on to prove ourselves in some way - a never-ending search that is exhausting because the ego is never satisfied. The problem is compounded by the delusion that the ego - with its habitual thoughts, demands, duties, and obligations; its isolation and loneliness; its conviction that it alone knows the 'truth' - is the Self. But the ego is not who you are. You are the spirit that lives through Bodymind and is grounded in the now. Your ego was just something you set up on the rebound from other people.

In Johnson's case his ego was dominated by three ideas:

That he was a freak (from childhood he was hideously disfigured by facial scars and most likely he also had Tourette's syndrome). 

That he was an outcast (he was forced to leave Oxford University due to poverty)

That he had to be wiser than everybody else.

The result was that he spent his life secretly loathing himself and using his brilliant mind to dominate other people. But the net result was that he grew more and more lonely, more and more self-judgmental, and more and more depressed.

In Reverse Therapy I work every day with people who are trapped in personal misery. Sometimes that unhappiness is linked to external events: death, separation, illness, redundancy, abuse, conflict, etc. Even so, I try to teach my clients that you can remain positive, self-nurturing, outgoing and self-accepting even while you are dealing with adversity. Not to mention grounded, working with emotional intelligence, and striving to live in the now.

In my view the troubles of life are not the cause of personal misery. That is shown by the fact that many people have come through terrible circumstances but remain cheerful, optimistic and an inspiration to others (think Nelson Mandela).

The main cause of personal suffering is that we are trapped in the ego. If this is so then the solution is to escape from the ego. I have already described how people can achieve this in a previous article - Downsizing the ego but I will add a few more points to what I wrote there:

Try to see life as a game which you play for the pleasure of doing so, not to prove anything to others.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh at yourself, often.

Whatever your bananas are - do the opposite.

Don't dwell on past experiences.

Keep your focus on other people, not on yourself.

Experiment with new personalities. Don't settle for one way of being.

Always tell the truth. Only the ego lies.

Nurture your Personal Genius - it is the antidote for small-mindedness.

Practice Awareness - always.

You can't afford the luxury of a worry

According to a survey published by Mr Really Worried on his blog the average Briton spends 2 hours and fifteen minutes worrying, which adds up to 34 days a year. Don't forget - that's only an average figure - which means that at least 29 million people on these islands are doing a lot more worrying than that.

Worry creates Anxiety, which in turn leads to wear and tear on your body, as it attempts to adapt to the increased strain that Headmind has created for you. The result? Stress-related illnesses like:

• Stomach ulcers
• Heart disease
• Insomnia
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• Colitis
• Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
• Rheumatoid Arthritis
• Depression
• Gastric reflux
• Migraine
• Eczema
• Psoriasis
• Fibromyalgia

As well as a host of other diseases that stem from the alcohol, tobacco and drugs that people may use to mask the effects of anxiety.

I am not necessarily saying that Stress causes these illnesses. It could just be that it amplifies them. But the conclusion is the same: each and every time you worry you damage your health.

I am sometimes asked, by chronic worriers I have met: 'What is the difference between a problem and a worry? Most of the things that bother me aren't worries - they are real-life disasters!'

The answer is that a problem is a concern which you can do something about. A worry is a delusional state in which Headmind conjures up a horrific state of affairs that is seemingly going to happen in the future (but rarely does). For example: you may be suffering financially from the credit crunch. The related problem could be that you now need to reduce your debt and you could do that by talking to your bank manager, reducing your spending, talking things over with your partner, searching for another job, etc. A worry might be that you might end up in poverty, or in prison, or on the streets. Dangerous words create nightmares.

If you worry you will immediately become anxious, jittery, agitated. You won't be able to think straight and you will be dominated by a panicky inner voice. You may also feel nauseous, tense and upset.

If you catch yourself in one of these states, here's what you do:

1. Get up quickly and go to another room, or get out of the building
2. While you doing that shout 'STOP' as loud as you can inside your head - or press the STOP button on the 'tape recorder' inside your head
3. Recall a moment in your life when you dealt with problems in a good way. 'Ask' the 'You' in this recalled state a question: 'Is this a Problem or am I just letting Worry take over?'
4. If the answer is that it is a Problem then 'ask' yourself 'What one small thing can I do now to act on this?' (Remember, if there is no action you can take, the it is a worry, not a problem)
5. If the answer from your better self is that it is a Worry then immediately go and do something that occupies your full attention in an enjoyable way. I especially recommend doing something physically strenous that raises endorphins

There is additional advice from me on what to do about worries here and here.

'If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system.'

William James

The end of the world

I saw 4 clients last week who reported with anxiety symptoms due to reading/watching/hallucinating the news about the credit crunch.

Remember, Headmind - like the newspapers, makes money out of bad news. You don't have to go there if you don't want to.

Click on to learn more about how to make Headmind work for you and eliminate worries.

I counsel all my readers not to read newspapers, or watch BBC doomsters who are merely adding to the daily panic.

If you haven't managed to get Headmind back under control yet then here are a few jokes that might help your sense of humor. They were sent to me by a reader in the City of London.

• CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
• CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
• Bull Market - A random market in which a trader who talks a lot thinks he is a financial genius.
• Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
• Broker - Your new life in a nutshell.
• Stock split - When your partner and his/her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
• Cash flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet, fast.
• Financial Advisor - Someone who is now receiving psychiatric treatment for persistent delusions

Image by Mike Licht,...

Feel the fear and do it anyway

After I wrote about Why Self-Help Books Don't Work I received two emails from readers asking if there were any self-help books I did like.

If we define 'self-help' as advice on how to flirt, make money, be famous, etc then, I don't think any of them work, with one exception - Susan Jeffers' book 'Feel the Fear and do it Anyway'.

The books I really like are what I call 'wisdom books' - ones that help you see your way through life more clearly. Here's a short list:

• The Four Agreements. Don Miguel Ruiz
• Awareness. Anthony de Mello
• Everyday Zen. Charlotte Joko Beck.
• There is Nothing Wrong With You. Cheri Huber.
• The Consolations of Philosophy. Alain de Botton.
• The Happiness Hypothesis. Jonathan Haidt.

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway shows you how to beat anxiety. It is based on an astonishingly simple idea that works: whatever your worries are, ignore them. And get on with doing whatever it is you want to do.

Jeffers uses the word 'fear' when I think she should use the word 'worry'. The examples she gives in the book relate to anxiety rather than fear.

Fear is a useful emotion which keeps you away from danger; worry is a useless head-mind state that keeps you trapped in 'what-if' thinking.

No matter, the method still works. I found that out about sixteen years ago when I got into financial trouble and would spend weeks worrying about going bankrupt. Instead of doing something about it I would waste time day-dreaming about the disasters of the future. What was worse, worry stopped me from taking risks and I would say 'no' to projects that could make money later but would take time to mature.

Interestingly, Susan Jeffers describes how worries are passed on by the 'Chatterbox' - the frightening inner voice that belongs to what we call 'Headmind'.

The moment I stopped listening to the Chatterbox, I called the bank and arranged a bigger overdraft and got on with my work. I barely noticed it when, months, later, we returned to solvency - I was too busy getting on with life. But it was a useful lesson learned that I later on applied to Reverse Therapy.

'Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling      of helplessness.' Susan Jeffers

Letting go of your internal control freak

Readers of this blog will know that I am usually puzzled by the way in which Headmind - the intellect - constantly goes wrong. Engulfing us in worry, guilt, perfectionism, do-goodery, paranoia and obsessions of various kinds. It's a continuing mystery to me that conscious minds keep going wrong in that way.

Triggering stress, illness, burnout and breakdown.

One huge problem I notice with people who have Stress is that they are usually being driven nuts by their Internal Control Freak. Which often manifests as a semi-conscious inner voice that vetoes any activity that looks remotely like taking them out of their comfort zone. I sometimes call this freak 'the imp on your shoulder'.

My good friend Kathleen Haden - who also happens to be a gifted practitioner of Reverse Therapy recently told me a story about one of her clients, who found a great way to silence the imp.

Kathleen's client was working with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and her Internal Control Freak was giving her a really hard time with it's do-nothing philosophy.

For example, it would tell her:

• It was too risky to be honest with her partner because he might leave her.
• Too scary to go back to work - she wouldn't be able to cope.
• Not worth bothering to go for a night out in case she had a 'relapse'.
  

So Kathleen instructed her to let go of 'The Need to Know'. Because none of us can predict what is going to happen next, and if she could let go of Headmind's need to predict, control, and run away from, the future, she would be able to go with the flow, taking each moment, and each challenge, as it came up.

Come the next session and the client tells her:

" Kathleen....I've been letting go of 'the need to know' and my symptoms have gone!"

The client had simply been practicing Awareness - and, since she was busy keeping her attention on the Now, she had effectively sidelined her internal control freak. And when she did that she reduced stress. And when she did that her Bodymind turned off the symptoms it had been using to warn her to stop stressing out.

You can't fight the imp, or try to argue with it (like Cognitive Therapists try to do). Nor should you try and 'reason' with it. For the simple reason that the Control Freak is impervious to argument. It is only interested in power.

Each time you listen to, or argue with, or obey the freak you feed it with more power. So don't bother. Just direct your attention elsewhere. And when the imp realises you aren't listening anymore, it will shut up.

"When a control freak loses control all you are left with is the freak."

Anonymous British Government Minister on Gordon Brown.

Person Kathleen Haden

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Why worry?

A few days ago I went into hospital and was told I have a tumour inside the ear. At this moment I don't know whether it is malignant or not. We will only find that out after I have had the surgery.

The surprising thing, for me, is I haven't worried about it at all. That's weird because, for years, I would worry about anything and everything. I even used to worry about the fact that I was worrying so much. Now I don't even worry about cancer.

Worry, as far as I am concerned, is a thing of the past. In fact, I can't worry. It's too difficult for me to do now because I have re-programmed my brain not to.

Here's how you can do the same.

First, understand that worries are not real. They are fictions about the future. Your Mind makes them up either as 'disaster movies', 'horror stories', or 'head-tapes'. It was long ago established that over 90% of the events we worry about either never materialize or are greatly exaggerated. Make a decision not to watch or listen to a single worry ever again.

Second, understand that worrying is a form of conditioning. Very young children do not worry - they are trained to worry by the adults around them. You can reverse that conditioning.

Third, understand that worry serves no purpose and is in fact useless. Some people think worry helps them solve problems. It doesn't. It just creates anxiety and adds to the problem. Real problem-solving has nothing to do with worry.

Fourth, understand that you aren't going to be punished when you are happy, well, loved, successful, or prosperous. Some people think 'it is all too good to be true' or 'it'll all end badly some day'. Then they start worrying. The idea that you have to 'earn' your happiness by worrying is a superstition.

Fifth, let go of the idea that the solution to worry and stress is to drink, smoke, have sex with strangers, take drugs or go on a shopping binge. These solve nothing and you don't need to do them anyway. All you need to do is learn how to stop worrying.

Sixth, understand that worrying is itself an addiction. The more you worry, the more anxious you will get. Then Headmind notices you are anxious and starts worrying again, in a vicious, unnecessary, circle.

Here are the solutions:

1. Distinguish between problems and worries. Problems are things that are happening now, not in the future. If it hasn't happened yet, it's not a problem. Problems are solved by checking the facts, getting advice, experimenting with solutions, and patience. Not worry.

2. When you catch yourself worrying, run the worry again in your mind, this time using the voice of an idiot. That could be Homer Simpson, it could be a politician, or it could be someone you actually know. Run it until you laugh, get bored with it, or get angry at its nonsense.

3. As soon as you hear this idiotic mind-tape or one of its ridiculous films STOP wasting time on it and immediately do something that occupies your full attention. Vigorous physical exercise, or shouting, dancing, singing and laughing are all good to do.

4. Procrastination. If the worry won't go away then write it down and then put it in away in a drawer, promising yourself you'll look at it in a few days. Then forget about it. I used to do this myself. Looking at those scraps of paper a week later, I couldn't remember what the hell most of them were about.

5. Worry periods. If they are still insistent then hold 10 minute 'worry periods' each day until you get bored with them. This method works on reverse effort. What you do is to work very hard to worry. Get yourself worked up abut them. Imagine the most exaggerated, over-the-top, outcomes. Try and make yourself anxious. You will find that this is, in fact, extremely hard to do. Then go off and enjoy the rest of your day.

6. Practice Bodymind awareness. This is a staple of Reverse Therapy. The more time you spend 'in' your body the less time you will have to spend listening to Headmind mischief. It doesn't matter which method you use - Yoga, Tai Chi, Breathing exercises, Self-massage, Feldenkreis, Alexander technique, or just being aware of your feet pushing down on the floor - just do it. Today.